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“He’s leaving soon,” I reply, privately thinking that Shawn would kill me if I dragged him out here to meet these people. They’re really nice, and I know they’d love him, but I get the feeling that Shawn would be overwhelmed by it. Or he’d think I was doing it to try to convince him to stay. I don’t want to do that. I want him to want to stay for himself, not just for me.
“Is he going to visit again?” Vicki asks.
“I don’t know yet. I’m hoping.” I can’t even put into words how much I’m hoping he’ll come back. But I also want him to be happy. And if Charleston’s not the place for him, I’ll have to accept that. Because I want Shawn to know that no matter where he ends up, he’ll always have a home with me.
***
As soon as I get off work, I go home and take a quick shower before heading to the hotel Shawn’s staying at. We’re supposed to have dinner tonight. It’s the first time he’s asked me out. I can’t help but take it as a sign.
When I get to the right floor, I head for Shawn’s room only to see a cleaning lady with a cart holding his door open. I glance inside to find the room completely empty. Shawn hadn’t been traveling with much in the first place, but it’s all gone now.
“Where’s the guy who was staying in here?” I ask the lady.
She shrugs. “He checked out a couple hours ago.”
My stomach drops, and I turn away from her without really knowing what I’m doing. The only thing I can hear is my pulse pounding in my ears. I’d known there was a chance Shawn would leave, but I really thought he wouldn’t. I thought he would honor his promise and not leave without saying goodbye.
When I leave the hotel, I stop in the parking lot to check my phone because surely he would’ve texted or called to tell me he was leaving, but he didn’t.
I get in the car and stare at my steering wheel, unsure where to go. A tiny part of my brain keeps nagging at me, telling me this has something to do with my dad and everything that happened when Natalie got sick. But I can’t chase after Shawn. Not only because I don’t know where he’s going, but because it’s his choice.
No matter what my father may or may not have said to him, Shawn chose to leave. And if he did run away because of that, then I should let him go. He spent his whole life going where everyone else told him to go. No home and no family calling him back. I’ve made it clear how I feel about him. I can love him as much as I can, but I can’t force him to love himself. I can’t force him to put his own wants over someone else’s.
My thumb hovers over my dad’s cell number, but I can’t bring myself to call him. What would it matter what he said to Shawn? I’ll find out one day, when I’m ready to talk to him. Right now, I can’t imagine hearing his voice. Listening to his excuses. Dad’s never exactly been gentle, but I knew he was a good guy. He didn’t like the idea of fostering, but he felt sorry for Shawn and let him come live with us. Now I don’t know what to think of him.
Losing Natalie changed Mom too, but I have a difficult time picturing her acting the same way. And if Dad told us that what made Shawn leave was Natalie’s cancer, that means he was doing this long before she passed away.
Maybe I shouldn’t be judging him because while I lost a sister, he lost a daughter. And I can’t imagine the pain that comes with losing a child. But how much am I supposed to forgive? How much am I supposed to let go of in the name of grief?
Fifteen
Shawn
I make it as far as Atlanta before stopping. My stomach is knotted up, and my heart hasn’t felt right since I left Charleston. I can’t believe I ran away from Lucas again. There’s no way in hell he’s ever going to forgive me. If I’m even brave enough to ever look him in the eye again.
I get another hotel room and make my way up the stairs to it, each step harder than the last. When I’m finally locked safely inside, I toss my bag on chair in the corner, then collapse on the bed.
My eyes are hot and burning with tears, but I don’t let them fall. I hate crying. When I was little, all that ever earned me was more lashes from my dad. I’m pretty sure the last time I cried was when I visited Natalie in the hospital.
I made the right decision by leaving Charleston. I’d deluded myself into thinking I could have something with Lucas again. But Richard was right. I don’t deserve someone like Lucas. He’s so good and pure and kind. It’s better for both of us if I just stay gone.
My phone buzzes with an incoming video call, and I glance at it to see Shanna calling. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, but if it’s about the job, I need to take care of it.
I wipe my eyes and then answer the call, giving Shanna and Mark a smile. “Hey, what’s up?”
Mark frowns. “You okay? You look rough.”
Shanna swats his arm, and it makes me laugh despite everything.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I’ve just been on the road.”
“I thought you were thinking about staying in Charleston a little longer,” Mark says. “What happened with that guy you were seeing?”
I swallow and try to tell them that nothing happened, that it was just time to leave, but instead, I find myself telling them everything. From the moment we learned about Natalie’s cancer all the way to earlier today when Richard cornered me at the cemetery.
It’s weird to tell so much to these two people who are practically strangers, but it feels natural. Like the story was waiting for the right people to come along before it was comfortable enough to be shared.
When I’m finished, my mouth is dry from talking, but I feel better. A little lighter.
