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“When you say ‘friends’…”
“Spit it out, Mish.”
“Are you two fucking or what?” The words flew all out at once.
I chuckled at her discomfort. “No. We just hang out.”
She sighed with relief. “Good. Good.”
“Should I be offended? Your reaction feels offensive.”
“Sorry,” she said, looking at her lap. “It’s just that things got really messy before.”
“When I was off my rocker?”
Her eyes were as large as saucers. “Um.”
I laughed again. “It’s cool, Mish. Everyone knows I lost my shit and went over the deep end. If he hadn’t found me, I wouldn’t be sitting here. Let’s stop pretending that talking about it will actually finish the job.”
“Right.” She shifted again. “Look. I’ve never seen him like the way he was after, you know. It was weeks of him moping around. I think it might have meant more to him than what you intended.”
It was my turn for a deep breath. “Yeah, I fucked up. But I think it was less the sex and more the fact I terrified him. We’ve always just been friends. Not that I understand how he stuck by me when I was truly horrible to him. I’m lucky he’s… him. Anyone else would never have spoken to me again after the shit I pulled.”
Mish looked around the room nervously. “And you think that’s because he’s just a good friend?”
“Don’t tell him, but he’s probably my current best friend. You know, that’s alive.” I shrugged. “But that shit will go to his head, so I’ll let him think he’s just a good friend.”
“I love you, girl, but you need to tread carefully with him.”
“We’re cool now,” I said with confidence.
“Cee, that man is head over heels in love with you. So much that he is willing to accept whatever type of relationship he can get because he knows you aren’t able to reciprocate.”
I sat on that for a moment. That couldn’t be true, right? “I think you’re reading too much into this.”
“He told Connor he loves you.”
I scrunched up my face in confusion. “Was that before or after I tried to leave life behind?”
She paused, unsure how to answer. “Both.”
My heart raced. “I…” I didn’t know what to say. Sergio was my rock. Was I leading him on?
“Listen, he knows—everyone knows—that you aren’t in a place to even think about a relationship right now. Which is why I just want you to make sure you’re being careful with him.”
“Yeah. Um, of course. I just.” Serge loved me? Did I love him? Yes. Of course, I did. But was I in love with him? “Fuck, I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t know what to do with this information. He really is my best friend. Is that bad? Am I being a selfish asshole?”
“Just be careful, that’s all. He’s an adult. He can choose to be friends with you if he thinks that’s what he wants. But be clear.”
“Am I not being clear?”
Once again, Mish’s eyes shifted around the room to look at anything but me. “I think you two have blurred boundaries.”
“Really? Because I haven’t been treating him any differently than I did before everything went to hell in a handbasket.”
She raised her eyebrows. “You were sleeping in the same bed when Eli was alive?”
“No. But we would share a bunk and read together until we were tired. All the time.”
