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46
steven
The next morning, Sierra and I sat on the couch together with the contract.
As soon as she had stepped out of the tub last night, she’d basically fallen asleep. I dried her off as she wobbled back and forth on her feet, then carried her to the bedroom. We still had so much to talk about, but I’d figured that she needed to rest.
Too much stimuli at once would only make things worse.
“You ready?” I asked.
She cuddled up next to me and placed her head on my shoulder. “Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
Her lips turned down. “But you seem so tired. Did you sleep last night?”
I bit back a yawn. “A little.”
Honestly, I had been awake for so long last night, hating myself for pushing her too far. I’d paced the living room so many times, wondering why I hadn’t been clearer and more direct with her because she was so new to all this.
“Something’s bothering you. What is it?”
“I’m sorry if I hurt you last night,” I whispered, pushing some hair off her forehead.
She stayed quiet for a long time. “You didn’t hurt me. I was just scared.”
“But you shouldn’t have even been scared, Sierra. I was the one who did that to you.”
“It’s my fault.” She frowned. “Don’t be sad.”
“I can’t stress enough how important it is that you say your safeword if you’ve reached your limit.” I tucked some more hair behind her ear and tilted my head a couple of inches to the side. “If you keep it to yourself, then it breaks our trust.”
She twisted her body on the couch toward me and frowned. “Did I break our trust?”
I grimaced because I didn’t want her to feel bad about it and I wanted to stay with her, but I … I feared that I’d go too far again. That she’d let me go too far. And I would hurt her, physically or emotionally. And if I hurt her, then I’d hurt myself and our relationship.
“I did,” she whispered, eyes watering as she curled her arms around herself. “I’m sorry.”
“Just don’t do it again, love, okay?”
Her chin quivered. “Okay.”
After gently grasping it, I drew my thumb across her cheek. “Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. We both made mistakes. If I had been honest with you from the beginning, you wouldn’t have thought you had to do anything for me.”
“But still”—she sniffled—“I broke your trust. I didn’t mean to.”
Once I pulled her into my arms, I laid her head on my shoulder and rubbed her thigh. “I’m not scolding you. I don’t want you to feel bad about it, but I want you to understand that you must use a safeword so I know that you’re safe. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
“Safewords are to keep us safe,” she said.
“To keep both of us safe,” I repeated, wanting to really make sure she understood. “If you don’t say something and I push you too far, it hurts both of us. I don’t want that to happen again, so let’s give you another word before your safeword for when I’m approaching your limit, okay?”
“What is it?”
“Our caution word will be yellow,” I offered. “And if you’d like to change unicorn to red—”
“I like unicorn,” she said with a small giggle.
