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Corny smacked himself in the head and guffawed. “That’s right. I forgot.”
“No worries, pops,” Jonny assured him. “You’re the reason shampoo bottles have directions!”
Corny and Jonny high-fived. The laugh track made the momentspecial.
“Goddammit,” Candy bellowed. “The fucking pole should have been greased. Pretty sure all the skin on my inner thighs is gone.”
We ignored the outburst and kept going.
“Demontastic!” Irma shouted, then burped loudly. I was sure she was going to blow her cookies. “Did you hear about Pandora?”
“No,” I said. “What about Pandora? I’ve been so busy being Bitch Goddess Cecily, I almost forgot about the old hag.”
The canned laugh track almost made me laugh. Cher wasn’t messing around.
Irma said her next line while fully belching again. It was gross. “I heard the Shitty Whore’s gene pool needs more chlorine!”
“Funny,” Jonny said, slapping his thighs. “I heard she’s weapons-grade stupid.”
“Demontastic!” Irma shouted. She burped three more times before she lurched forward and puked all over Jonny.
“What, and I cannot stress enough, the fuck?” Jonny shrieked.
That wasn’t in the script.
Irma began to gag again, then sprinted off the stage. Jonny followed closely behind her, screeching like a banshee.
Again, not in the script. I half expected Ophelia to yell cut, but we were live. There was no stopping. We were about to enter the unknown. I was here for the ride. Abaddon, on the other hand, appeared horrified. He obviously hadn’t read the script. The worst was yet to come…
“Oh wow,” I said, pulling it out of my butt since two of the actors bailed. “Did you hear the doorbell, Pops?”
“What?” Corny asked, wildly confused.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cher lunge for the sound board. The doorbell effect came through the speakers along with the canned laughter and the fake applause.
“I’ll get it!” I said, moving quickly to the door. The script was out the window now. We were missing half the cast.
“Son of a bitch,” Candy griped, falling off the pole and hitting the ground with a thud. “Fucking pole.” She yanked it out of the ground and tossed it over to the front yard set. She then walked over to Corny, popped the elastic of his underpants and sat down on the couch. “Let’s get this party started!”
As I swung open the door, Fifi entered and took a bow. Cher was on it. The applause track came on. “Hello, my liege Bitch Goddess Cecily’s sister. I’m back from the war!”
“Don’t you mean the store?” I asked, trying to help her out.
“Shite,” she announced in her outdoor voice. “I meant the store.”
“Demontastic,” Irma shouted from the bathroom that was located at the far-left side of the set.
“My pants are ruined,” Jonny shouted from the dressing rooms. “I can’t fucking believe this.”
“Where are they?” Fifi whispered, looking around.
“Irma puked on Jonny. They left,” I said under my breath as I took the shopping bags from her hands.
Fifi had practiced her lines diligently. She was clearly thrown that we’d gone off-script and was struggling to adapt to the new scenario. To calm herself, she pulled out two grenades. Cher blasted the laugh track to lessen the impact of explosives on the set. “I bought the fixin’s for nachos! Anyone hungry?”
Uncle Joe was in hysterics. Even Abaddon had a slight crooked grin on his face. Ophelia and Stella were into it, and Cher was sweating like a hooker at confession. Only Bean remained professional.
“Oh my!” I exclaimed. “I do believe someone else is at the door.”
