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“You do?” Corny asked, more confused than ever. “I didn’t hear the doorbell. Oh my GOD. Do you think I’ve gone deaf? Maybe if I take off my underpants, I’ll be able to hear better.”
Before I had the chance to tell him hell to the no, Candy Vargo electrocuted him. Corny slapped out the fire and pouted. At least he was still clothed.
“What the fuck is going on?” Cher muttered as she frantically pressed buttons. Unfortunately, the theme song came back on. I just went with it.
“Yep, I have a bad feeling about who might be on the other side of the door,” I told the crowd with a shudder. “I hope it’s not Pandora.”
“In the script, it says it’s Pandora, my liege Bitch Goddess Cecily’s sister,” Fifi assured me. “If it’s not her, I shall lob a grenade at the intruder, flay the skin from their body, behead them, then shove their entrails down their throat.”
“That is areallybad idea, sister,” I said, giving her the eyeball.
Cher hit the laugh track.
“I’ll bet you five hundred million dollars and twenty cents that it’s the Shitty Whore,” Candy Vargo announced.
Closing my eyes for a hot sec, I hoped she wasn’t serious. I wasn’t paying her five hundred million dollars and twenty cents. I also hoped it was Moon behind the door and not the real Shitty Whore.
Only one way to find out.
I opened the door and Moon sauntered into the room. I heaved a sigh of relief. She tossed her long hair and sneered. It was pretty darn good. “Half the Demon! All the taste!” she shouted.
“What the hell was that?” Candy Vargo asked.
“It’s my catchphrase,” Moon snapped. “Nice furniture, Bitch Goddess Cecily.”
“Oh no, you don’t,” I cried out as I tried to block her from the fornicating with the couch.
“Melts in your Demon,” she hissed as she shoved me out of the way. “Not in your hand.”
“For the love of everything that sucks ass,” Candy said with an eye roll. “Was that another catchphrase?”
“It was,” Corny confirmed. “I wasn’t given a catchphrase. I feel gypped. I do have a line that got skipped because Irma emptied the contents of her stomach. Shall I say it?”
“Yep,” Candy said, hopping off the couch as Moon began to seduce it.
Corny also moved off the couch, cleared his throat, and then slid his underpants slightly down. No junk was showing, but it was close. “Alright then, here’s what I know. An apple a day will keep the doctor away if you aim it expertly and nail the bastard between the eyes.”
Cher hit the laugh track. Everyone else groaned.
Moon started with a slow hump. She was working up to the biggies. “Pops, I’m still deciding if you’re the weakest link or the missing link.”
Candy wasn’t having it. “You leave that mostly naked fucker alone,Pandora,” she snapped. “Pops might be missing some gray matter, but you’re a sentient fucking menstrual cramp.”
Moon’s eyes narrowed to slits as she straddled the couch and undulated like a freaking porn star. None of this was in the script. “Oh yeah? Well, you look smarter in pictures.”
Cher was in a tizzy. She hit the laugh track, the boo track and the theme song.
“Weak,” Candy Vargo commented, punctuating it with a raised middle finger. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say your family tree doesn’t have enough branches.”
Cher nailed the applause track on that one. Candy Vargo looked right into the camera and took a bow. Sean had to be losing his shit. I knew I was.
Moon was getting seriously jiggy with the couch now. It was hard to watch. “The closest you’ll come to a brainstorm is a drizzle,” she panted.
Candy laughed. “Does your ass know about all the shit that comes out of your mouth, Pandora? Because if it did, I’m gonna guess it’s pretty jealous.”
“Demontastic,” Irma shouted from the bathroom.
“Are there any other pants for me to wear?” Jonny called out from the dressing room. “These are fucked. I can’t get the puke smell out of them.”
