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Dad hands me the roll of tape, and I pick at the stuck end. “They invited us to New Jersey, but I didn’t think you would want to make the trip.”
I nod and concentrate on the tape instead. I want to throw it across the room, but the end peels up, and I hand it back to him. No, I never want to see the Lanzzare mansion again.
“It’s fine. I really don’t feel like going anywhere.”
Dad takes the tape out of my hands, and I feel his steady gaze on me. He won’t give up. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I don’t notice he’s worried.
“Eden,” he starts. “I won’t tell you that you’ll get over it. That would be insulting. But it does get better, I know. One day, you’ll think about him and smile instead of feeling sad.” He sighs. “I’m sorry, Eden. I thought I was protecting you.”
I rub my forehead, holding back tears. “It’s not your fault. I wanted to see what life was like. I didn’t expect an adventure. And I would have resented you for keeping me here if I hadn’t left.” I look up at him and muster a weak smile. “I understand why you did what you did, and I love you for it.”
His arms wrap around me, and I hug him tight. “You still have choices, Eden. You don’t have to stay in Holtsville forever. You just have to be careful. That’s all. You might meet someone.”
I shake my head. “My heart belongs to someone else now.” I rub my belly and smile. “I’ll take care of her. She’s my world.”
I said it to make Dad smile, but instead, he looks at me with concern. I want to reassure him that it will be okay, but I know what he’s thinking. I’m about to make the same mistakes he didnineteen years ago. But at least he understands that I’m the one deciding to stay put.
The doorbell rings, and I use the excuse to end our conversation. The cold reddens my cheeks when I open the front door, and there stands Mercy. Her beautiful smile is a happy contrast to the freezing temperatures and my down mood.
“Happy holidays, cousin!” She wraps me in a bear hug that brings back good memories as Uncle Vito pats me on the shoulder.
Dad stretches out his arms. “Come on in.” He pecks Mercy on the cheek as he hugs her and then Uncle Vito. He takes their coats into the kitchen, and Mercy’s gaze goes straight to my huge belly.
Concern dims her smile. “How are you holding up, Edie?” she asks quietly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I lead her into the living room and lower my voice, even though Dad and Uncle Vito are discussing the latest news on the streets. I pique my ear for any mention of Nikolai or Gunsyn, but all I hear are names that I don’t recognize.
“Truthfully, I’m not doing so well,” I admit to her. My smile turns into a pained grimace.
Mercy’s eyes soften and she hugs me again tightly. That singular gesture is what breaks the dam, and I burst into ugly sobs.
“Sorry,” I manage haltingly as I wipe my face. “It’s the hormones.”
But Mercy frowns, unsure if I’m making a joke or excuses. She holds my hand, and her pity makes me cry even harder.
“Let’s sit down.” She guides me toward the couch. We sit knee-to-knee as she rubs my shoulder. “C’mon, Edie, you can tell me the truth. It’s not the hormones, is it?”
I shake my head and take a deep shuddering breath. “I miss him. And it’s not going to change. Whether in a year or ten or forever. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.”
Mercy doesn’t dare tell me it will be all right, and I’m thankful for it. “What will you do when your daughter asks about her father?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders and stare at the lights blinking on the tree. “I guess I’ll have to make up something.”
“Edie …” Mercy pulls away, shaking her head. “Someday, your daughter will find out, and she’ll go looking for him. You have to be able to discuss it honestly, or else …” Her voice trails off, so I say it for her.
“This will just happen again.” I hug my belly protectively.
“Only if you keep Nikolai a secret from her.” Mercy places her hand on top of mine. “We have to accept what we are if we want to take that first step forward. Accept that we’ll never be ordinary people, no matter how much we want to be.”
I roll my eyes. “What happened to the Mercy who took me in all those months ago?”
The smile dies on her face as she glances away, her gaze staring at a distance. “She went to therapy. Dad insisted.”
Guilt bubbles up inside of me. Mercy has been through a lot on account of me. I should’ve asked how she was doing.
“Are you still working at Somewhere Bar?” I ask anxiously.
“Not anymore.” Mercy shakes her head. “Dad wants me to meet a nice boy and settle down.” Slowly, the grin returns to her face. She waits for a beat before she speaks. “Do you think Nikolai will try to see the baby?” she asks softly.
