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‘You knew?’
‘I wasn’t sure at my birthday, but I was certain at lunch. From what you’ve said, my suspicion is he was trying to give you some space to decide whether it’d be him or Jasper. I guess he found out that he wasn’t even in the running when you announced it merrily to the entire table at dinner last night. I imagine it would have been hard to hear that there was nothing deeper going on with you, other than…’ Mommy is never at a loss for words.
‘But there isn’t anything deeper.’
‘Oh honey, you’re either lying to me or, even worse, you’re lying to yourself.’
I am silent.
‘For the last few months, all you’ve done is talk about Caleb. How proud you are of him, how hard he’s working, how he got you a blanket; how you watchedThe Sopranostogether, his Muay Thai class and students, how funny he is, some silly little thing he did. And you’re happy or laughing the entire time. Jasper hasn’t had a look-in. Have you considered the possibility that you might be a little more attached to Caleb than you’d like to admit, and that you might have feelings for him too?’
‘I can’t have feelings for Caleb!’
‘Why not?’
‘He’sCaleb. And everyone will kill me.’
‘I actually quite like Caleb.’
‘I know. Why?’
‘I have a hunch about him. Your father wasn’t exactly an angel, y’know.’
‘You said you and Daddy were meant to be.’
‘Maybe, but it wasn’t easy. He was some white army guy and I was an upper-class black girl with a “good name”, so I really couldn’t do any worse. He borderline stalked me until I agreed to a picnic with him. We had many more picnics after that. Then he showed up in my dorm one night with a bag that he said contained everything precious to him in the world. He asked me to hold on to it and wait for him because he was coming back, so I did. Within a year, your grandparents had disowned me, we were living in England, I was knocked up and we were planning a wedding. So, there were challenges. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is, as long as you’re honest with yourself and you follow your heart, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. It’ll be all right in the end.’
‘I still don’t know what to do.’
‘Reaching out to him from a place of honesty might be a good place to start. It doesn’t have to fit into a neat little box, it just has to be honest.’
I hear the front door shut and my heart stops.
‘I think he’s home.’
‘Then I better let you go. No time like the present. I’ll call for an update later.’
My mother hangs up without saying goodbye, removing any opportunity to delay.
I jump in the shower to stall for time. I stand under the water until it goes cold and I have to get out. I take my time moisturising, getting dressed, tidying my room and clipping my nails, but hunger eventually forces me out of my room to face him. The music in the living room is deafening. He’s out of yesterday’s clothes, in a T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. I approach as he moves his shower-wet hair from his forehead and eats cereal at the island with his back to me. I startle him when I put my hand on his shoulder.
‘I thought you’d gone,’ he shouts over the music.
‘Can you turn it down please? I want to talk to you.’
He moves his bowl out of the way to put his head down on the cold counter. After a few seconds, he gets up to turn the music down, but remains next to the speakers with his arms folded.
‘Go,’ he challenges.
‘You’re wonderful, Caleb…’ I catch myself fidgeting.
‘But…’ he interrupts. I ignore him.
‘…And I think the world of you…’
‘But…’ he repeats.
‘Will you stop? This is hard for me,’ I snap. He keeps quiet. ‘Sorry, this can’t be easy for you either, but I’m trying to find the right words to be honest with you.’
