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‘I’m sorry, I’ll get you a car home.’ I end our evening.
‘Polyamorous? Louisa would cut my dick off and hang it in the window just for knowing what that means.’ Jack takes a swig of his beer. He looks happy. The swelling on his face has gone.
‘I’m just as confused as her, though. What’s your problem? If you thought this Hunter bloke was her gardener, she definitely told you. Partner and gardener sound pretty similar, mate,’ Tim chips in.
‘I don’t want some bloke fantasising about me shagging his missus!’
‘Ugh. I didn’t even think of that.’ Jack recoils.
‘You’re both idiots,’ Tim says. ‘They’re basically two people that have decided they want to be together, but also acknowledge that they can’t be all things to each other. So instead of lying and cheating, they’re honest about it and allow each other to fill the gaps elsewhere. It makes sense.’
Jack and I look at each other. We both want to ask.
‘You and Em aren’t…’ Jack beats me to it.
‘Crikey no. My dick’d be hanging next to yours.’ Tim laughs.
‘Ariella’s safe then,’ Jack quips.
Tim’s face reddens. ‘What?’ he growls.
‘Come on, Tim. That fireman’s lift out of the kitchen? Look, you’re going red,’ Jack teases.
I decide to save Tim. ‘She’s stubborn as hell. That was the only way she was leaving that kitchen.’
‘She can’t be that stubborn, or that controlling ex-boyfriend wouldn’t have got away with half the shit he did. I can’t even imagine suggesting a restaurant to Louisa.’
‘That’s because you’re the Ariella in your little situation,’ I throw in.
‘Only without any redeeming features or discernible talent,’ Tim adds, making us laugh. ‘How’s she doing?’ he goes on.
‘When I got home this morning, she’d gone to work. She was doing all right before I left. She seems to be enjoying bothering innocents on Swipey.’
‘She’s not on Swipey? She’ll get eaten alive.’ Tim shakes his head disapprovingly.
‘She’s holding her own, actually. Apart from when I stopped her from sending bedtime pictures to some creep.’
‘I didn’t think she was the type.’ Jack gasps.
‘No, she isn’t. I should’ve let her send them. Her hair was wet and dripping around her face, she was wearing that ridiculously baggy Elma Fudd onesie she loves and had her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. Thankfully, he picked the wrong day. She normally sleeps in what I think are Jasper’s boxers and a vest. Anyway, I put a stop to it and put a blanket ban on anyone asking for pictures.’
‘We should do something nice for her. Maybe cook her dinner or something,’ Tim suggests.
Jack and I say nothing.
‘What? It got me thinking. We’re all like her ex-boyfriend in some way. Em always asks what the boys and I want to eat, and sometimes she cooks four different meals for dinner. I often come in, eat and flop into bed because I’m so tired. So last weekend, I woke up, got her flowers, cooked breakfast, then took the boys off her for the day. When she came back, the boys and I had dinner waiting. It felt nice. I’m going to do it more often.’
‘Tim, if you and Jack cooked dinner for another woman, Lou and Em would kill you both and have absolutely no problems framing me for it. Then, they’ll take pleasure visiting me in prison to remind me of what they did.’ I eye them both.
‘What’s the big deal?’ Tim shrugs.
‘After your little day of flowers, cooking and actual parenting, what happened when you put the kids to bed?’ I ask Tim pointedly. He can’t contain the smile that creeps across his face. ‘That’s what I thought. Now imagine you telling Em that you did the same for another woman.’ The lightbulb comes on.
‘Louisa would throw me off the balcony.’ Jack laughs.
‘Jack, your girlfriend needs serious help.’ I shut down the idea and turn our attention to Jack’s bachelor party.
‘When are we going, guys?’
