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PROLOGUE
CASPER
There was a time when I was nice. When my words didn’t havebite. When I said everything I meant and didn’t skate around what I felt. I used to give voice to my emotions.
That was a lifetime ago.
My mom had been miserable for so long, in and out of relationships, abused, hurt. My dad was a no-show. He left after he slept with her, never to be heard from again. Real fucking winner that one was. But I had my mom. She was always good to me. She tried to stay positive, even amid the hell she dealt with as we moved from apartment to car to shelter to apartment, and from abusive asshole to piece of shit motherfucker.
It was a chance encounter that led her to Rich. She was applying for a job at a hotel where Rich was staying for a business trip. They locked eyes, and the rest was history.
We went to live with the Ashfords when I was eight years old. My mom was in a relationship with Rich, which grew to an engagement. We moved from Connecticut to Pennsylvania. There was a lavish wedding where I watched my mom marry a man she loved with her whole heart.
Rich quickly became the father figure I needed. He showed me love and affection, what it meant to have a family more than just my mom and me. His included himself, along with his daughter, Cadence, and his son, Reed.
Rich’s wife had passed away from cancer a few years prior to him meeting my mom. His kids took to my mom as well as I took to him. Everything fell into place.
It was perfect.
Until I became a moody fifteen-year-old and started seeing Reed as something other than a brother. Because we weren’t blood related. We were only tied by marriage. I still shouldn’t have looked at him like I did while my hormones raged. My body came alive whenever he was near. It did the same for some girls and boys at school, but it was nothing compared to Reed.
He was everything I wanted and couldn’t have.
No matter how hard I’d tried, I couldn’t push him away. Not his brotherly hugs or the way he always included me with his friends, even if most of them hated me. Reed was light and love and so fucking amazing.
When he wanted to start a band, I didn’t think twice about joining. Reed had a hell of a voice. My skill was on the guitar. Rich had bought me one for my fourteenth birthday and enrolled me in lessons. Every time I played, my mind calmed, and the world fell away. It was just me, the guitar, and the music I made.
Somewhere along the way, the music changed. It synced up with my emotions. I no longer played for myself. I played forhim.
Cue more anger. I could have been a fire-breathing dragon for all the self-inflicted irritation flowing from me. Reed simply smiled and told me how talented I was, unaware of what was happening inside me. Slater and Dash Meadows joined us. They were two guys who didn’t care about my moodiness. They just wanted to make music with us.
And we did.
Holy shit, did we ever.
One thing led to another, and we grew up and were at the top of the charts, touring, and playing. It was magical.
I still wasn’t friendly. Not even to Reed in those dark moments when it was just the two of us. When he’d allow my hands to rove over his flesh. When he let meinsidehim.
Drugs weren’t my thing, not when I had Reed to sate every one of my desires. I had him to get lost in when everything else felt out of control.
He tried to get me to commit. I scoffed and said I only wanted to fuck him. I’d never forget the hurt in his eyes. How they widened at my harsh statement then dropped as if all the life had drained out of him.
Years passed before he let me in again. I had a front-row seat to his relationships and flings. None of them lasted because at the base of it all was a truth we couldn’t ignore. Reed and I were meant for one another.
If only I wasn’t scared as hell to be what he needed. If only he wasn’t terrified of being hurt again.
We couldn’t stay apart. We tried to when we weren’t touring. It was easier to put distance between us when we weren’t jammed together on a tour bus. When it was time to tour again, there was no keeping us apart, no matter how toxic we were together.
I shouldn’t seek him out. He deserved better than me. But I hadn’t claimed to be nice for a long, long time.
Reed Ashford was my stepbrother. My light, my love, and my fucking soul. He was the only person I’d ever given my heart to.
1
REED
The bed cradled me as I moved to my side, settling deeper into it. The tires rolling over pavement gently rocked me. They usually lulled me to sleep, but I was unable to drift off any longer. We were on our way home from the last stop on our tour. Since all four members of our band lived near one another, the bus dropped us off at home before heading to Philadelphia where our label was located.
