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When Dash and Slater showed up today, I told them about Casper, Elic, and me. We wouldn’t be able to keep it from them anyway since we were together a lot.
They loved Casper like a brother, but Slater wasn’t thrilled that we were trying to work things out. He’d made a comment about Casper not being able to treat me with the respect I deserved. I had to hold Casper back from hitting him. It was a fair comment coming from Slater’s point of view, but Casper didn’t need it spoken aloud like it was. He was already on edge because he felt like they were judging us. That was also Casper’s insecurities coming through. While he wouldn’t say it, what our friends thought mattered.
For years, Dash and Slater had to pick me up off the floor when Casper ran. And for years they had to watch as we tortured ourselves when we came back together, only to be separated once more. A therapist would have a field day with us. I didn’t care if it was healthy or not. If what I was doing was smart or foolish. I’d tried to move on in the past and it didn’t work. Why should I continue searching for someone who may or may not be the right one for me, when I knew in my fucking soul Casper and Elic were not only who I wanted, but who I needed too?
Slater sat his guitar on the stand and turned to fully face Casper. The move had me leaning forward, ready to intervene. I noticed Dash did something similar as me. Casper and Slater didn’t argue a lot. Slater was usually pretty laid-back. Fights happened though. We were together often and sometimes shit got tense.
“You’re going to hurt him,” Slater said. “Except in addition to destroying Reed, you’ll destroy Elic as well. They’ve been through enough already. No need to add more to it.”
“Slay,” Dash warned.
Casper crossed his arms. “No, let him get it out.”
Slater sighed. His words weren’t heated like Casper’s. More factual, at least the facts as Slater saw them. “Elic isn’t magical. He can’t suddenly make years of emotional abuse fade away.”
“Hold the fuck on,” I said as I shot to my feet. “Unless you were in the room with Cas and me every single moment we were together, you don’t get to say shit like that.”
Slater still didn’t raise his voice. “I didn’t need to be in the room, Reed. I saw you every time you two parted ways. Every time we stepped off the bus and Casper acted like you didn’t exist.”
“To be fair, he does that with all of us,” Dash cut in, trying to add levity yet failing.
“You don’t get to say he abused me, Slay,” I replied, ignoring Dash’s comment. “Did it hurt like a bitch? Yeah, but I’m an adult. I chose to be with him every time. In those moments when it was just Cas and me, he didn’t need to speak for me to know how he felt.” I balled my fist and thumped my chest over my heart. “I felt it in here. I saw it on his face. It’s another reason I haven’t given up, and I kept going back. When Cas took a step away from me, his pain mirrored my own. Did you ever stop to think about the damage he was doing to himself?”
Slater shook his head and looked at the floor. “I don’t want to fight with you, Reed.”
“Then maybe you should have kept your mouth shut.”
His gaze lifted to mine. “And what? Sit here and watch it implode? Witness the agony you’re going to be in when Cas decides shit’s too hard? How often are we going to pick you up from the bottom of your despair?”
I took a step back, needing more distance between me and one of the men I considered a brother, or I’d deck him for saying that. “I didn’t realize I was such a burden on you. How about next time—if it happens—you just leave me the fuck alone?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“No, but you implied it. How often has Cas driven to your place because we were worried about you? You’d call or send text messages about being afraid and alone, your anxiety through the roof. Cas would drop everything to come to you. He’d pick you up from wherever you were and bring you home, into your bed. Cas held you for hours more times than I can count. But now that he’s trying to be better, facing his demons and the shit he’s done, you’re making him feel awful for it? What the hell, Slay? How can you do that? We all do things we’re not proud of. Things we wished we could take back. None of us are perfect, yet you’re behaving like you’re better than him, than us.”
Slater stood and took two steps toward me before Dash was up and rushing between us. “Thanks for throwing my anxiety in my face,” Slater seethed.
“That wasn’t what I was doing. I was trying to remind you how Casper’s always been there for you, but since we’re casting stones, thanks for making Cas seem like he isn’t worth a second chance.”
“Second?” Slater scoffed. “Try eighty-six chances, ninety. What’s it going to take before you realize you can do better?”
“How long have you been holding this in? I thought you were our friend.”
“Do you see anyone but Cas, Reed? As far as you’re concerned, he’s the only one who exists. Look around you. There’s an entire sea of men for you to choose from and you keep going back to the one who causes you the most pain. Maybe you two deserve each other since you can’t admit to what a stupid-ass mistake you’re making.”
I pointed at the door. “Get out of my house. I won’t listen to you spew this shit any longer.”
He grabbed his guitar, not bothering with the case. “Gladly.” Slater started walking past me but stopped when his shoulder was even with mine. I couldn’t look at him. Anger vibrated through me to the point my hands shook.
“Don’t call me when he fucks up,” he whispered harshly. “And he will. I’m so fucking done.”
The door slammed behind him when he left. I couldn’t move. My feet felt like they were in cement as my heart pounded in my chest. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d fought with Slater. We always got along. Dash and me, occasionally. Casper and me, of course. Slater and I were different.
The words he said… How could he think that let alone say it? Casper had been there for him time and time again. Yes, Casper and I had our shit to deal with, but I didn’t know Slater thought the way he did. Not once had he said those words to me. Never did he raise his voice like that and tell me how horrible Casper was or how I needed to move on from him.
Slater was a comforting shoulder for me to cry on. A brother not by blood, but one just the same. The hatred pouring off him just now was new.
Fingers snapping in front of my face pulled me from my thoughts.
