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Chapter Four
Josie
‘I was asked what I look for in a relationship... apparently ‘a way out’ wasn’t the right answer.’ - Unknown
Online dating was the most confusing thing ever, and nothing anyone said would convince Josie otherwise. It was like every pervert within a fifty mile radius had created a Love Buzz profile just so they could send unsolicited pics of their tiny peens. If they had to send pics, the least they could do was send something impressive; especially if they were going to ask if she was DTF. Somehow, in the midst of all the sleazebags, five semi-normal guys read her bio and were open to the idea of being a fake boyfriend; benefits not included. Part of her was skeptical. Like were they actually legit, or did they like to give the pretense of being a nice guy before requesting pics of her toes in jello or some other equally weird request? The other part, the part that was still hurt and angry that her brother viewed her as some lonely cat lady, prayed that at least one of the guys turned out to be legit.
Like UrMrRight.
It was one of these cheesiest screen names Josie had ever come across; the sort that belonged to some putz with an arsenal of bad pick up lines. Instead, the guy’s blurry profile picture suggested that he had an affinity for beanies, flannel shirts, and granola. Their chats consisted mostly of their mutual love ofcats, the Chai tea at Delilah’s, and family members who wouldn’t stay out of their love lifes. If ever there was a reason to connect, it was over cats, Chai, and brothers who meant well. On screen he seemed like the perfect fake boyfriend candidate, the kind of guy who would show Kyle that Josie wasn’t some loser sitting at home, wasting away. Which was why she agreed to meet with him at Delilah’s.
Tilting her head to the side, Josie studied her reflection in the full length mirror that was attached to the back of her closet door. If it had been up to her, she would have thrown her long, blonde hair up in a messy bun, swiped on some natural colored lip gloss, and called it a day. Her mother had felt differently. ‘You have to make an effort,’ Ruth had chided, and when Josie started to protest, her mother called Louise. It was a low, but effective blow that resulted in beach waves and a natural glam make-up look she didn’t hate. Her outfit was another matter. Individually, she didn’t hate the black, long sleeved crop top and skinny jeans, but paired together they just didn’t look right. Judging by the way Muffin was sneering at her, she didn’t think her eldest cat liked the outfit either.
“Not loving the jeans,” Louise murmured, sliding past Josie to dig through the closet. She re-emerged with a pair of ripped up boyfriend style jeans. “Try these instead.”
“I’ll never understand why you spend money on holey jeans.” Shaking her head, Ruth sank on to the edge of the bed. Almost immediately, Parking Lot cat came out of nowhere to sit next to her. He sat perfectly still, his eyes trained on Josie as she quickly changed her jeans.
“They’re cute and stylish,” Louise answered before ducking back into the closet. This time she came out with a pair of black and white Converse tennis shoes. “Here.”
“She’s looking kind of casual,” Ruth fretted.
“It’s a coffee date,” Louise said, like that explained it all. “Coffee dates are always casual,” she explained when the confusion and worry didn’t leave Ruth’s face “They’re also a great way to feel a person out. Like if they give off creeper vibes or are a total snooze, you can jet after a cup of coffee.”
“What if you like the guy?”
“You have another cup of coffee, or you ask if they want to take a walk.” Tossing back her long, auburn braid, Louise let out a small yawn. “I’m probably going to chill here while you’re on your date. Watch some Kitchen Nightmares with the cats or something.”
“That sounds lovely, I might join you. After I feed Carl of course.”
Josie rolled her eyes as she worked her feet into the Converse. Louise and her mother weren’t fooling anyone. They were going to lay in wait so they could get all the juicy details about her date. “Don’t you have your own date,” Josie asked Louise, before glancing at her mother. “And shouldn’t you be spending time with dad?”
“He asked if I like the way eggplant felt in my mouth.”
“Oh you know your father. He’s holed up in his office.”
The responses came simultaneously. Josie would give it to Louise; if some guy asked if she liked the way “eggplant” felt in her mouth, she would cancel too. Her mother’s excuse was weak. If Ruth were to ask Carl to come out of his man-cave/office and watch a movie, he would. “You should ask dad to watch a movie or something, and you,” she glanced at Louise, “you should find another dinner donor.”
“He’s part of some fantasy football team. I’ll be lucky if he comes out for dinner.” Wrinkling her nose, Ruth shook her head. “I’ll never understand why grown men sit around creating pretend teams.”
“Nah. I’m good right here.” To prove her point, Louise fell spread eagle on the bed, earning herself a glare from Parking Lot cat. “I expect to hear all about UrMrRight.”
“If there’s anything to tell.”
“There’s always something to tell,” Louise mumbled, throwing an arm over her eyes.
***
Tugging on the hem of the cropped top, Josie mentally cursed herself for letting her mother talk her into wearing it. She should have put her foot down and worn something she was more comfortable in. Live and learn, she thought, gently pushing open the door to Delilah’s. Meeting at the quaint little coffee shop had been her mother’s idea. The logic was, if one of the guys she met through Love Buzz worked out and the first date was at Delilah’s, then she had only partially lied to Kyle.
The aroma of espresso mingling with buttery croissants and fresh baked muffins wrapped itself around Josie as she stepped into the coffee shop. She paused, savoring the smells before turning towards the counter. “Welcome to Delilah’s,” the dark haired barista greeted. Josie nodded an acknowledgment before scanning the crowded interior, looking for a dark haired man wearing a red t-shirt. Before she even thought about ordering something, she wanted to find her date.
There were two men who loosely fit the description. Either of them could have been UrMrRight. The one closest to her gave off the boy next door vibes. He was cute, in a Tom Holland sort of way, with shaggy brown hair that flopped over one eye, and a few scraggly hairs on his chin that she guessed were meant to be a goatee. The other, who seated a table away, was what Louise would call a grade A hottie. Everything about him screamed hot, sweaty sex in the back of a cab because you couldn’t wait until you were home. Josie let her gaze linger amoment longer before turning back to the first guy. Men who looked like sex on a stick did not troll for fake girlfriends online.
“UrMrRight?”
Both guys glanced up at the same time. The hottie let out a snicker, his full lips twisting into a smirk, but the boy next door’s face lit up. “CatMom828?”
Hearing someone say her screen name out loud made her grimace. It had sounded so cute when her mother suggested it. Now, it just sounded as cheesy as UrMrRight. Maybe that was how screen names worked? “Yup. That’s me,” she said finally. “I’m CatMom828.” The hot guy let out another snicker. No doubt he found it all amusing, and she couldn’t really blame him. Two strangers with ridiculous screen names awkwardly introducing themselves in the middle of a coffee shop. “It’s nice to meet you.”
