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Not while I am keeping a huge skeleton in my closet away from her eyes. Something that can ruin our perfect bubble, and I can’t bring myself to ruin this bliss.
I just want to talk to her about anything and everything. So, when a curious little fact resurfaces in my mind, I voice it out right away.
“Lex?”
“Hmm?”
“Remember how you told me that you never had an orgasm during sex before?” Silence. “Lexi?”
She breathes out a heavy breath, and I hate that I’ve upset her, and I’m about to tell her to forget it. I don’t need to know, but she starts talking.
“No, I never had an orgasm during sex before you.”
“How is that possible? What kind of idiots did you date?” She snorts.
“Complete and total idiots. Well, my first boyfriend, and overall my first, was just a high school kid who didn’t really know what he was doing, and to be fair, neither did I.” She bites her lip a bit as if contemplating how much she should share and damn it, I’m a hypocrite. Still, I want to know every little detail of her life.
“You see, I was a little sheltered growing up, nothing crazy, but my parents are very protective of me. I had freedom but not knowledge. So, when I got the chance to lose my virginity, I literally hit every cliche tab there was.” She holds up her fingers and starts folding them one by one as she recounts her cliches. “Lost virginity during high school years, check. To a football jock, check. In the back of his car, check. At the parking lot, check. The relationship didn’t last; also check. So, there was no possibility of orgasms there. At least not for me,” she says with a light chuckle, and I appreciate her humor in this situation.
“What about other men?” Shit, I actually haven’t thought this through because I don’t really want to know about other idiots that touched her.
Yep, I’m a filthy hypocrite, and every muscle inside my body twitches as I think of Lexi having to watch the women walk in and out of my office in the beginning.
Fuck…what was I thinking…
“Well, actually, there was only Stuart after my exhilarating high school experience, and no, no orgasm there either,” her body tenses up as soon as she starts talking about the prick I’ve met already.
“Kitten, we don’t have to talk about this if you are uncomfortable,” I say, sifting through her hair with my fingers.
“It’s okay. It’s not really a secret, just a story of my broken heart.” Anger builds up in my chest. I should’ve hit the motherfucker when I had the chance, and I don’t even know the whole story yet. “Stuart came into my life when I just barely turned eighteen and just graduated high school. We met at…” she hesitates for a second. “One social event. Anyway, he was twenty-seven at the time and sweet-talked me until I fell for him like a lost little puppy. We were together for two years, and I thought that he was it. He was my future, ignoring every damn red flag there was. I ignored his narcissistic tendencies and his self-absorbed personality. Most of all, I ignored all the lies that eventually stopped making sense. Lies like, ‘oh, I can’t stay overnight because I’m a light sleeper.’ Or ‘baby, I’m not taking you to the gallery opening because it’s boring there. I don’t want you to waste an evening.’ And there were much, much more.”
“So, what happened?”
“What happened is my father came to the rescue like he always does and opened up my eyes. He found out about Stuart seeing me. You see…they are sort of colleagues. Well, not anymore, but that’s beside the point. Father told me that Stuart is married.” Fucking hell! Did I hear that right?
“Married?”
“Yep, the cheating bastard made me his young and pretty mistress, and I was blind to it for two years, believing in fairytales and lies.”
I don’t know if I had taken a single breath since she uttered those words. And I certainly can’t speak. I was rendered speechless. Fuck.
“So, there you have it. No happy ending, no happy relationships, and certainly no mind-blowing sex,” Lexi smiles up at me. “Not like I have with you. And even though I hated you a tiny bit initially, I am very happy you are here now. For the very first time since Stuart, I have had someone important in my life. Someone I trust and want to be with.” She holds up her hands right away. “Now, I know you don’t do relationships, and I’m not asking for one. I’m glad you are not lying to me about that, so it’s okay.”
Every word out of her mouth guts me a little more.
I am a fucking liar, and she shouldn’t trust me. She shouldn’t be giving her heart to me, yet I want to snatch it like the greedy bastard I am.
I need to tell her everything. Lexi deserves to know, and I have to come clean.
But what if once she learns the truth, she runs for the hills. Or worse, hates me as much as she hates Stuart.
No, she will definitely hate me more. Because I’m not just lying to her, I know the truth, and I’m intentionally hurting her again.
Come on, Landon, this woman deserves better. Man the fuck up!
But do I? No, no, I don’t because I am happy for the first time in many years, and maybe I can fix all my problems first and then tell her about them. So, I hush that tiny little voice inside my head telling me what a horrible idea it is and snuggle my kitten closer to my chest.
“Lexi?”
