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“Beingwith you wouldn’t have been the right decision forPoppy,”Ireplied truthfully.
“Rightor wrong, it wasn’t your decision to make,”Axelspat back.
Myhead tilted to the side for one last look atAxeland committed the sight to my memory.Axelwore a breathable collared shirt with the cap sleeves slightly rolled up to display the array of artwork on his biceps.Inkhaki shorts and summer shoes, he looked like anAbercrombieFitchmodel, bad boy 2.0 version.
“Inever forgot about you after leavingChateauat theHempstead,”Iwhispered, almost speaking to myself. “Beforelearning about my pregnancy,Ithought about finding you because it felt likeIwas yours.Afterfinding out about the pregnancy, it felt likeIhad becomehers.Forevery decision,Ihad to consultherfuture,herneeds,shewas my priority.Beforethat test came back positive,Iwanted to find you and make another list and tick off the items one by one.Iwanted to go skydiving.Iwanted to jump off a moving train with you.Afterthat test came back positive,Icould no longer do those things with you.Iwas going to be her mother, and that was my role.Ihad to choose between you and her.Ichose her.Itwas the right decision for her becausePoppydeserved everything the world had to offer.”
Icould hear the fire in his words as he argued between gritted teeth, “Youdidn’t have to choose.Iwould have worked hard and provided for both of you.”
“That’snot what it was about.Youwere incapable of what she needed the most.Love.”
Axelscoffed. “Youthink people like me can’t love?You’rewrong.Wecan love just fine.”
Asif feeling the weight of my stare,Axeltilted his head and looked me dead in the eye.Hislips were pressed in a thin line, dark eyes silky like molten lava.
“Weare just selective aboutwhowe love,” he spoke with a muscle clenching his jaw. “Imight not be able to love in the traditional aspect, but know this,Piya,Ilove the shit out of you.Ilove you enough to change my name for you.Ilove you enough to alter my goals for you.Ilove you enough to transform the direction of my life for you.Everysingle thingIam, every fucking moleculeI’mmade up of, it’s consumed by my love for you.That’show muchIfucking love you, so don’t tell meI’mnot capable of love.”
Theerratic beat of my heart thumped loudly against my ribs.Icould count each blow as it reverberated through my body and shook the air around us in a deafening sound.
Iwas touched—blown away, in fact—by wordsInever thought would be uttered byAxel.Nevertheless, it didn’t change the facts.
Ismiled sadly. “Ididn’t say you were incapable of loving me,”Ibreathed. “You’reincapable of lovingher.”
Axelwas quiet on the other side.Hedidn’t refute the words, andIdidn’t need him to. “Didyou tell her about me?” he asked instead.
Inodded, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips.JayandIsatPoppydown after her ninth birthday to tell her about her origin.
Poppywas much too smart.Sheknew her grandfather had passed away fromALSand started asking about possible genetic variations of the disease.Wecouldn’t letPoppylive a life of fear and deterred that nine years was old enough to handle the news.Inno way couldIhave predictedPoppy'sresponse when she learned of her parentage.
“Doyou thinkIcan take a look inside my biological father’s brain?”
Jayspat out the water he was drinking and didn’t bother hiding his roaring laughter.Otherthan comedic relief,Iknew he was reassured byPoppy’sreaction.Hehad worried she might not think he was enough.
“Um… we don’t keep in touch withZane,”Ihad replied mildly.
JayknewPoppy’sfather was theDJfromMilan’swedding.However, he had no ideaZanewas now the famousDJAxel.Beforewe married,Jaywanted to discussPoppy’sfather’s genes, andIunderstood why.IfAxelwere blond, there’d be a chance ofPoppybeing blond, too, in which case we wouldn’t be able to passPoppyoff asJay’sdaughter.Luckily,IrememberedAxelmentioning that everyone in his family had thick, dark hair.WithAxel’sdark eyes and my brown ones,Iwasn’t too worried about eye color, either.AndIwas almost as fair asAxel.Nonetheless, we sighed in relief whenPoppycame out looking like me.
“Hm… that sucks.”Poppystood to walk away.
“Wait,”Isaid hastily. “Don’tyou have any questions about what we just told you?”
“Ido,”Poppyreplied mildly. “CanItake a look inside his brain?” she repeated, genuinely confused about where she had lost me.
“Wemeant questions about this whole situation,”Jayclarified.
Oncemore,Poppywas confuddled. “Whatsituation?”
Poppyhadn’t even batted an eye after finding outJaywasn’t her biological father.Biologymeant nothing to her, and she felt no connection toAxel.ButwhenAxelrandomly popped up on television one day,Istared at him likeIhad seen a ghost.Poppycaught on to my reaction and asked ifAxelwasZane.Itold her the truth and waited.Poppy’sonly reaction was asking me to ensure no one found out.Eventhen,Poppyknew the repercussions of her future withAmbaniCorpif her ‘legitimacy’ was questioned.
WhenPoppymetAxelfor the first time,Iwaited for her to voice questions but moved on when she didn’t appear interested in getting to knowAxel.Partof me initially wondered ifAxelhad returned to place a claim onPoppy.Iwatched him like a hawk to see if he knew.Hedidn’t, nor did he care.PoppyandAxelmutually used each other.Poppywanted to learn about someone with a similar neurodivergence, andAxelwas usingPoppyto get closer to me.Therewas no love between them, and it didn’t matter.
Poppydidn’t needAxel’slove; she already had a father.
Past
* * *
Icouldn’t make out the face.Hewent in and out of focus as he strolled toward us while still maintaining distance.Thesun bounced with his leisurely pace, nearly blinding me at times depending on his newest position.Achill ran down my spine as our gazes finally met.Dark, unforgiving eyes stared back, dead set against giving away their secrets.
