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Iwoke, gasping for air.Glancingsideways,Iwas relieved to find the bed empty.Jayhad a home office, and it seemed he had already started his workday.
Twoweeks had passed since our “small” wedding of only five hundred guests.Thedays since were spent moving out of my apartment and away fromNewYork.
Jayproposed moving toChicagountil the baby's birth, then we could return toNewYork.However,Iinsisted on making the move permanent, so we bought a place in the suburbs outside the city.
Jayshowed me a few houses.Imade my decision by closing my eyes and picking a random one.Inever even saw the house before moving in, butIknew a permanent home inChicagowas pertinent.Iwas a married woman now and needed to focus on my husband.Icouldn’t start a new life in a city that constantly reminded me ofAxel.
Onlyone problem.
Axelseemed to have migrated to the new city and my new home through the power of my mind.Ihad effectively blocked out his thoughts while awake, but my subconscious was harder to control.Nomatter how muchIchided myself, the dreams kept returning like the sun at dawn.
Every.Single.Night.Axelhaunted me and refused to stop.Ihad become obsessed with shoving his memories out of my mind, but they always returned.
Thestart of my new marriage had gotten lost in the shuffle of the move, the accidental pregnancy, mending my broken heart, and now this newfound obsession of trying not to think aboutAxel(epic fail, by the way).
Jayworked around the clock, so we barely saw one another.Ididn’t mind it.NotseeingJaylet me escape the guilt over thinking about another man who wasn’t my husband.
Jaywas a saint and never made a move on the first night we spent together.Didn’teven mention sex.Hesimply kissed me on the cheek and turned off the lights.Sincethen,Jayhad respected my boundaries immensely, aware that my heart wouldn’t be in it.Jayhad a good sixth sense becauseIhad no idea whatI’ddo if he pushed me for sex.Iwasn’t ready for another man to touch me.
Iknew life couldn’t go on this way.Iwas married, and my heart needed to accept the truth the way society had.
Witha dejected sigh,Irose from the bed and dressed for the day.
Istrolled through our elaborate new home, scattered with unopened boxes.Wehad discussed hiring a few staff to help upkeep this large house.Ihad been dragging my feet becauseIdisliked sharing my privacy with strangers.AsIstared at the untidy boxes,Ireconsidered my take on hiring staff.
Withnew determination,Istarted unpacking the boxes and separating the contents inside into neat piles.Décoritems went on the various built-in shelves on the walls.Pictureframes went on the side tables.Winterclothes were hung in the closet nearest the front door.Witheach box that was put away, my resolve strengthened to redecorate my new home and life.
Itwas almost the end of the workday by the timeIfinished opening all the boxes and putting away everything.However,Istill hadn’t heard a peep fromJay.
IknewJayowned a “bachelor pad” in the city and had mentioned we’d stay there on the days he had to go into the office.Asof now, he had been working out of the new home office.Ihad a feeling he was only doing this soIwouldn’t be lonely in a new city.Jay’sconsiderations made me want to make an effort as well.Ididn’t know how else to contribute and decided to cook dinner.Otherthan playing the piano, cooking was the only other thingIcould do blindfolded.
Aftertaking stock of the ingredients in the fridge,Idecided on a cheese lasagna from scratch.Tantalizingsmells wafted through the air within the hour, but still, no sight ofJay.
Witha huff,Ilaid the meal for two on a tray and took it to him.Thedoor to his home office was slightly ajar, andIpeeked inside.Jaysat in front of a computer, looking at it so intentlyIwondered if there were naked chicks on the screen.
Icleared my throat, knocking timidly on the door.
“Comein,” came a deep voice.
Isuddenly felt apprehensive about the intrusion.PerhapsJaywouldn’t think barging in here with a tray full of food was cute.
Itook a deep breath, steeling my nerves and pushing the door open with my shoulder.Jay’soffice was bright and airy, with windows overlooking the garden.Asingle desk sat in the middle, with a couple of chairs distributed around the room.
Jayglanced up from his desk. “Hello.”Heseemed unsure of my motivations sinceIhad never interrupted him before.
“Er… um…Ithought you might be hungry,”Isaid lamely.
Hiseyes landed on the tray as if it were the last thing he expected.Theyflipped back to mine, then gestured at an empty space on the desk.
Jaypulled out a chair for me whileIset down the tray.Whythe fuck was it so awkward to have dinner with my husband?
Ifidgeted. “I, um,Idon’t know if you like lasagna—”
“Ilike lasagna,” he replied instantly. “Thankyou,Piya.”
Withrelief,Isat on the chair across from him, picked up my plate, and thought about conversation topics.Meanwhile,Jaywasn’t bothered by the prolonged silence and ate without complaint.Iknew that even if he disliked the meal, he’d clear the plate.
Shakingmy head to myself,Idove into my food whenInoticed a picture resting on the corner of his desk.Itwas inside a wooden frame so small thatIhad almost missed it.WhatIdidn’t miss was the unmistakable smiling picture of another woman sitting on my husband’s desk.
