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Witha forced smile,Iwaved at the frame. “Friendof yours?”
Jaystilled, his fork suspended in the air.Hedropped his fork on the plate so gently that it didn’t clatter.Heglanced at the frame and nodded. “Kat.”
Myheart dragged heavily to the center of the world.Iknew we hadn’t started this marriage with big declarations of love;Iwasn’t delusional.However, wasn’t it customary not tocheat on your wife at least until the five-year mark?Atthe minimum, have enough respect to mess around behind my back instead of flaunting it in my face.Sheesh.
“Shewas my girlfriend.”
Didn’tmake it any better.Ididn’t know how to feel about his ex-girlfriend’s photo having a place on his desk.Jaypicked up on the tension and stared at me for a few contemplative moments, wondering if he should share this information.Heultimately said, “Shedied a long time ago.”
AaaandIjust went from a woman scorned to the worst human on earth.
“Whathappened?”Iasked softly.
Jayglanced at his food and went back to picking at it. “Leukemia.”
“I’mso sorry.”
“Don’tbe.Iknew it was bad and that she was dying.Iknew whatIwas getting myself into.”
“Youknew she was dying but still chose to be with her?”Irepeated in disbelief.Amillion questions flooded my mind.Whywould someone choose to put themselves through such heartbreak?
Jaymulled over my words thoughtfully. “Wegrew up together, went to the same boarding school, then college.Shewas my best friend, butIwas always crazy about her.Youknow… first love, kids’ stuff.”Heshook his head. “ButIstayed away because she wasn’tIndian.Evenif my family were to make peace with it,Iknew the board members of my company wouldn’t.Therewas no point in pursuing more when there couldn’t be a future.So,Ilet it be.”
Marryingoutside of your culture and religion was the one thing you could do to get yourself excommunicated from theAmbaniclan.Iunderstood the dilemma.Thoughit wasn’t about race,Ihad faced something similar withAxel.Itwould've driven a wedge between us if my family had found out about me dating another man from the nightclub industry.Givingup everything you know for the unknown risk was the scariest thing in life.
“Butyou said she was your girlfriend.Whatchanged?”
Isaw various shades of emotions crossing his face. “Aftershe got diagnosed,Istopped giving a shit about what other people thought, and we got together.Deathcan do that to you, make you realize what really matters in life.”
Myheart ached, andIcould feel his grief as if it were my own.Oncemore,Iwanted to sayIwas sorry but held my tongue.
“Idon’t regret any of it.Weshared many good years before she passed away.”
“Howcome you never married her?”Icouldn’t help asking.
Jayshrugged. “Katdidn’t want to.Sheknew if we got married,I’dlose everythingIhad worked for.Shesaid she had no intention of leaving me worse than she had found me.”
Bothof us smiled at the comment.
“Ididn’t understand it then and was pissed off at her.Wefought.Isaid she couldn’t make this decision for both of us, butKatwas adamant.”
“Doyou regret it?”
“Iunderstand it.”Hissmile was self-deprecating. “Ifyou know you’re doomed, you want to die knowing everyone you love will be okay afterward.”
Isaid nothing asJayspoke, beyond touched by his story.Iknew, without a doubt, thatKatwould always have a part of his heart.
Shockingly, it didn’t bother me.Ifanything, it was a relief becauseIwas starting to realizeAxelwould always hold a place in my heart.
Ihad been boggled down with guilt, practically drowning in it, for being unable to putAxelin the rearview mirror.Hearingthere was a womanJaypined after as well made me feel an odd sense of solidarity with him.
“Doyou miss her?”Iasked.Doesthis awful feeling ever go away?
“Yes,” he replied truthfully.
“How… how do you even go about dealing with something like that?”Iprodded.HowcouldIstop myself from drowning in the memories of the stupid heathen?
Heshrugged. “IfIever miss her,Idon’t fight it.Itake some time out of my day and think about the good memories we shared.Thekey is to grieve without letting myself drown.”
