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Things hadn’t been perfect when he’d left last night, but he’d hoped it was only a matter of reassuring her how deeply he loved her and that Anne’s memory wouldn’t damage their relationship. In fact, experiencing a happy marriage for thirty years had taught him many things. Things that would make him a better husband to Madeline. He wouldn’t make the mistakes he’d made with Anne as a foolish young adult, an overwhelmed young king and father.
“I don’t know that I can handle this.” She gestured around.
Did she mean him, the castle, or his life as the king?
She shook her head and backed up again. “I’m independent and used to being alone. I don’t want guards watching over me wherever I go. I don’t want to be queen. I don’t want to share your heart with a perfect woman who’s immortalized in your mind and will never do anything wrong.”
Every word was a hit to the hope he’d let grow in his heart. If she didn’t want to be queen, did that mean she didn’t want him or simply didn’t want the title? Her emerald gaze said she cared deeply for him. He’d never feel for anyone like he did for Madeline. He would always cherish his slow, steady, deep love for Anne, but for Madeline it was passionate, intense, and carried him away. Their love would grow to epic proportions; he could feel and envision that. He couldn’t lose her. His family couldn’t lose her. The thought of Kiera without Madeline in their lives was horrifying.
“Please. Don’t push me away or give up on us. I know it’s not easy being a monarch—believe me, I know—but you have to recognize how incredible things are between the two of us.” He humbled himself and put it out there, despite the realization that she might reject him. “I love you, Madeline. You. Every bit of you. What we have is special and only between us. I won’t compare you to Anne. I would never hurt you or disparage you. I don’t want to take away your independence, but I want to love you completely and never stop. Please give me that chance.”
Madeline studied him. Her lip quivered and her eyes brightened. She was going to cry again. He felt he had to lay it all out there, but now he realized he was pushing too hard, and after she’d gone through something horrific.
“Madeline, I’m sorry.” He held up his hands. “You’ve had a horrific experience, and I don’t want to push you and make things even harder.”
Madeline took a slow breath, then pushed it out. “You are incredible, Nolan. If it was just us …” She shook her head, and it hurt because he knew it wasn’t just them—they each had a past and he had a huge responsibility that he couldn’t shirk, both with his family and his kingdom. “I’m sorry about all my reservations. I wish we could just be us, but …”
“It’s a lot. I know.” He held up his hands in a gesture of peace. “Please. We’ll take it slow. We’ll figure things out together, as a team. Just don’t give up on me. On us. Please.” He’d never felt so humble and almost desperate, but a life without Madeline was no life. Not for him. Not anymore.
What could he do if she didn’t want to be queen? Could he step down? It was an insane and desperate thought. No king of Augustine had ever stepped down, even when their beloved wives had been killed over the years. He could petition parliament to turn everything over to Tristan. He’d ruled at a much younger age and as a newlywed with twins on the way, honeymoon babies Tristan and Ray. But he didn’t want to do that to his son or to Jennifer. It had been extremely hard on Anne, on both of them.
He’d envisioned a different relationship with Madeline than he’d ever had with Anne. Anne had been a wonderful wife and mother and a sweet queen that everyone loved, but she’d mostly been a figurehead, focused on raising their family and loving and supporting Nolan. He could see Madeline being a part of everything, not just helping and discussing issues with him and T after a meeting, but being a third member of the monarch representation, leading or taking on meetings on her own. She was brilliant, strong, and independent. The people of Augustine would love and respect her just as he did. He was shocked to learn she didn’t want to be queen. She’d be an ideal queen.
It hurt even more that she didn’t want to be his queen.
His thoughts spun as he studied Madeline, awaiting her answer. After what felt like a year but was less than ten seconds, she dipped her head. “I won’t give up on us.”
“Thank you.”
“But I do need some time to wrap my mind around everything.” She paused, then gave him a forced smile that negated her next words. “I do love you, Nolan. I’ve simply been alone and independent for so long. This is all a huge adjustment for me. I’m sorry I can’t rush to marry you like you asked last night.”
“No.” He held up a hand. “That was wrong of me. I rushed too fast. Impulsive and dumb.” He gave a self-deprecating smile. “You wouldn’t believe it, but I usually behave like an accomplished king of a flourishing nation.”
Her smile turned genuine. “I do believe it and honestly … I love that you feel so passionately about me.”
“I do. More than I can even share without scaring you away.”
She laughed at that. Nolan smiled, and the tension lifted slightly.
“Thank you.” She backed toward her bathroom. “I’d better get ready for the day.”
Nolan wondered if pushing her too hard was tied into her being such a part of every aspect of his demanding life over the past month. Maybe that was why she didn’t want to be queen. Just because he’d envisioned her being a part of so much more than Anne ever had didn’t mean that was what Madeline wanted. If he showed her there was another option, would it open her eyes?
“You’ve got to be tired of sitting through endless meetings with Tristan and me. Why don’t you swim, enjoy the spa therapy rooms, read a book in the solarium, whatever you want to do with your day?”
“That sounds lovely, actually. Thank you.”
“Will you still eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with me?” he asked. Lovely. Madeline would usually joke or tease with him. She did need a break. Was she sick of the endless meetings, frustrated that she was rarely alone, or was it tied into being attacked this morning?
“Of course.”
“Thank you.” He backed toward the door. She needed space. He’d hate being away from her, but he’d give her whatever she needed. “I suppose I’ll lift weights this morning. Since you demanded I not hike, and your wish is my command.”
He thought she’d smile, but her lips pulled down in a frown. “Thank you. Until Jensen finds whoever that man’s boss is, I’d feel a lot better if you didn’t hike or leave the castle. Unless Ray and an entire platoon go with you.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “I will be careful. Will you as well?”
“Yes.”
