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This is a colossal mess. I actually do not know how I am going to even begin to navigate this.
I spend the rest of the night in a fugue state. One minute I am on the couch in my living room, the next I am in my pajamas and in bed turning over everything that has just happened.
For the first time in my life I feel truly out of control.
What the fuck am I going to do?
19
PAIGE
This is all too much. I do not know how much more of this I can take. Life keeps coming at me fast and I don’t know how to deal. I’m barely keeping my head above water.
The past two weeks have honestly been the most difficult of my life. It’s true what they say. You don’t know what you have until you lose it. I wasn’t aware of just how much I loved Travis until our relationship ended. When I ended things with him I knew it would hurt, but not this much.
I’ve spent every night since crying myself to sleep. I love him so much, but I don’t think continuing our relationship would be the smartest thing to do. It’s not that he has a son with his ex-wife, because although that would be an adjustment, I know if I wanted to I could welcome his son into our lives while also planning for our baby. What has me balking is the fact that he kept it from me. He should’ve told me about it immediately instead of sulking, avoiding me, and picking fights with me.
I thought that dating an older man would mean I wouldn’t have to put up with these childish antics, butapparently not. It turns out he’s just like every other guy. I guess it’s my fault for expecting him to be super human. At the end of the day, he’s just a man.
As if all this isn’t bad enough, his reaction when I told him I was pregnant left a lot to be desired. I know it was a shock, and I didn’t expected him to be jumping for joy, but to just sit there and look like his whole world was crumbling around him…it was clear from the look on his face that this is the last thing he wants.
All of this is enough to do my head in, but then there’s also Mom’s cancer. She just completed a round of chemotherapy to help shrink the liver metastasis. We all took turns going with her so she wouldn’t be alone, and because it was too much for any one of us to handle by ourselves.
Mom has noticed my mood changes over the last couple of weeks. She’s asked once or twice what’s wrong, but I have lied my ass off. She doesn’t need to worry about what I have going on right now. She needs to focus on getting better. That’s the priority.
Although I threw myself into work over the last two weeks to distract myself from this whole Travis debacle, today, I’ve given myself a break. But not really. Unless a break constitutes a morning off to hang around a cancer ward.
As I sit in the waiting room, I take a deep breath and am overwhelmed by the distinct smell that is so uniquely hospital. One leg is crossed over the other and I tap my foot, waiting for Mom and Dad to come out of the doctor’s office.
I don’t have to wait long because before I know it they’re both walking out with smiles on their faces.
I get up and rush over to them. “You’re smiling. Does thatmean good news?”
“Very good news,” Mom says as she takes Dad’s hand in hers.
“The tumor in her liver has shrunk enough that the doctors are confident about going in to get it. Her surgery has been booked and Dr. Hunter is optimistic that everything will be fine,” Dad says.
“That’s great,” I say, as tears start falling from my eyes. I wipe at them knowing full well that I am ruining my make up, but I don’t care.
“Yeah, I was so worried that we’d be getting more bad news.” Mom looks into Dad’s eyes as she squeezes his hand. “I’ve also decided to do the double mastectomy if the doctor thinks it’s safe.”
“Really?” I sniffle.
“Yes. Paige, you were right. When I chose to do chemo, it didn’t occur to me how hard it would be to watch all of you suffer if it didn’t work. All I was thinking about was myself.”
“Yes, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to make the best decision for yourself,” Dad says.
“Yes, and the best decision for me is to do whatever I can to be here for my husband and my children. That’s what I want above anything else. It’s the reason I got married, and is the reason I chose to have children. I can’t bear to see you guys suffer. I got a taste of what it would be like watching you guys watch me die, and I never want to feel like that again if I can help it. So during my next appointment with Dr. Hunter, I’ll ask him about the double mastectomy, to see if it’s too late.”
“I can’t say I’m not happy to hear this,” I say. “But Mom, I was wrong to be so hard on you for the choice you made and I’m sorry about that.”
I look at my father. “Dad, I also owe you an apology for taking all my frustrations out on you…” I turn back to Mom. “Ihope you’re not making this decision because of how I behaved.”
“Thank you for apologizing, but it’s not necessary. You’ve never been one to hide your feelings about anything, and that’s something I’ve always loved about you,” Mom says. She steps forward and grabs me in a hug. “And no, I’m not making this decision for you. I making it for myself. I just want this cancer gone. I want to have peace of mind again. So I will do what I need to do to make that happen.”
“As long as it’s what you want to do then I will support you,” I say through my tears.
Mom pulls out of the hug and wipes the tears from my face with a smile. Then she and Dad head out.
