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“That’s just it—it was perfect on the outside. All through that night, there was this …nagging feeling.” He looks to the ceiling, as if asking the Heavens for some assistance.
My breath hitches and I wait for whatever truth he has coming.
“On the inside, though, I felt …hollow. And I’ve been feeling that way for a really long time. I’ve been trying, Lily. Trying so hard to be the husband you deserve, but every time I look in the mirror, I can’t help but see a man who wants …” His voice almost cracks and he places his hands on his knees.
My eyes prickle with tears. “Seth …”
“Please, let me finish,” he whispers, holding my gaze. When I nod, he takes another deep breath and continues, “I’ve watched you, you know. I’ve seen the light in your eyes dim. I’ve felt the distance growing between us and I blame myself for it. Maybe if I was more, or different, or better—I don’t know. Maybe things would be different.”
The tears now spill over, hot and stinging their way across the spans of my cheeks.
“I thought I could do it. Be the man you needed me to be,” Seth says, shaking his head. “I just …can’t.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, my voice squeaking out.
“I want you to be happy, Lil. I want that happiness for myself, too, but I’m lost. I kept thinking that if I traveled enough, maybe I’d find myself out there somewhere. But there’s always been this tether—” He exhales and looks pointedly at me. “—to you.”
I open my mouth to speak, but he holds up a hand.
“Look, I’ve been lost for a while. It’s not you or your fault. But the guilt—the guilt of not being enough for you, or being here when I’ve been gone—” He laughs humorlessly. “No matter what I do, I can’t find a way to win here. I thought I could prove to myself I could be what you needed by getting a job here. It’s what you always begged me to do. But …”
“You can’t stay,” I whisper, realizing what he’s saying.
His blue eyes darken and his lips press tight. The slight tilt of his head tells me I’m right.
This isn’t about me and London.
It’s about his own inner turmoil. Turmoil I never realized he was going through.
My heart breaks for him. It breaks for me, too. For the life we shared and the life we tried to build.
“Lily, I’m sorry. I really am. I wish I was more—” his lip quivers and his emotion shines in his eyes. “But I can’t stay here. Locked in one place like this. I knew before I took that job I was making a mistake. I could feel it, I guess. Still, I had to try.”
I take a deep breath and scoot across the couch to him. I press the palm of my hand to his cheek.
“Seth, for what it’s worth, I’ve been feeling the same way for a while, too. Things between us—they’re different.We’redifferent. I’m sorry I didn’t see how much you were hurting …” I whisper, dropping my hand to my lap.
“It’s not your fault. I tried hard to keep that from you. I didn’t want you to know—it was too much.”
Silence expands between us again as that statement settles in.
“You could have talked to me, you know,” I finally offer, wishing he would have. Maybe thingswouldhave been different had we communicated to each other sooner. Maybe we would have been able to strengthen our marriage. Maybe not.
Even if things had ended sooner—perhaps I wouldn’t be in this tug of war with my heart.
Seth shakes his head. “That’s just it, Lily. I couldn’t.”
I blow out a slow breath.
His confession is so vulnerable, so heartfelt, that guilt rises up and threatens to consume me whole.
I don’t want to make him feel worse by speaking my own truth. Will it serve a purpose anymore? Or will it just cut him deeper?
I swallow hard, wishing I could see into the future to know what to say.
If I don’t tell him about the kiss, I feel like I’m keeping secrets. But if I do, will it only make things worse?
“I just … I want us to be happy,” Seth admits softly. “But I think it means finding happiness on our own.”
