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I sigh. “I’m frustrated with you as a general rule, but no, I’m not mad.”
“I won’t be able to go with you after the meet,” she says. “I won’t be able to talk to you. Mark is in town, so he’ll either be there to pick me up when it’s over, or he’ll send Grace.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her.
“It’s not okay with me. It shouldn’t be okay with you, either. You get nothing from this. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you figure that out.”
“It’s okay because it’s you, Ally. That’s what I get from this.”
“But we never get to see each other. We can’t go to the movies or talk on the phone. I can’t go to prom. Are you going to go to prom?”
“No. I don’t want to go to prom.” That’s the first lie I’ve ever told her. Idowant to go to prom, but I want to go with her. I’d love to take her and see her dressed up and smiling; I’d love to show everyone that she’s mine. “I want you. I want swimming, remember?”
“I wish we could go together,” she says.
“I know it seems like a big deal, but it’ll probably be lame, anyway. And ten years from now—actually fuck it, probably far less—prom is going to look and feel like nothing. We aren’t missinganything, Ally.”
“I don’t deserve you,” she says, closing her eyes.
“Just go to sleep, Ally. I’ll wake you up, okay?”
It isn’t long before her breathing slows, indicating she’s slipped back into a deep sleep. And when she’s like this, I can’t be mad at her anymore. I know it’s not her fault, and she’s suffering, too, but something needs to give soon. I don’t know how much longer either of us can keep doing this when sometimes it feels like we’re just barely not tearing each other apart, and Ally is hanging on by a thread.
It keeps me up at night, too.
Our meet tonight is at home—the first one in weeks. That means it’ll get out a lot earlier. It won’t be dark, the parking lot won’t be empty, and Grace or Mark will be there to pick me up.
I won’t get to be with Devon.
Still, he’s there in the stands with a book in his hands. He’s onto the fifth book in the Wheel of Time series now, but as far as anyone else is concerned, he’s readingSummoning Demons and Other Ways to Do Lucifer’s Bidding on Earth.
I watch someone’s grandparents almost sit down next to him before getting a glimpse at the cover and moving to the entire opposite side of the bleachers.
I meet his eyes and laugh. I’m still so fucking tired. It’s always hard to sleep in that house, but it’s impossible when Mark is there. Sleeping with Devon’s warmth against my back was a comfort I can’t describe. I got to smell like him the rest of the day.
Unfortunately, I’m not as lucky when a pretty girl from our class with blonde and blue hair sits next to him. She has bright red lips and fake lashes, a tattoo near her collarbone. She looks like she’d be his type. He sets his book to the side to talk to her, laughing at whatever she says, and I feel like I’m choking.
I can’t compete with that.
She playfully shoves his arm, and he pretends to fall over from the force of it.
I think about how she could leave here with him right now if she wanted to. They could go to the movies, she could take him back to her house, and he could take her to prom. I bet her life is simple, and she doesn’t steal money and prescription pills.
It makes me want to rip her hair out.
I feel my cheeks go red, and my eyes fill with tears, and I fucking hate it. I feel so stupid. I try to talk myself out of this unwarranted panic attack, but I can’t seem to do it.
“Hey, Ally…are you okay?” one of my teammates asks.
Instead of answering, I turn and break for the building, not stopping until I’m in the empty locker room. I sit on the bench with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands and just try to get a fucking grip.
“Ally?” the same voice calls.
Shit. She followed me.
“Are you okay?” Laurel asks.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I tell her, drying my eyes. “I just…I have allergies.”
