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Both of our smiles drop at the same time, and I see tears glisten in her eyes.
“I’m so s—”
“No.” I jump off the bed and walk up to her, giving her a hug. “Don’t apologize. It’s okay. It’s going to be an adjustment,” I say as tears fall. It’s so crazy how a habit can form so fast. She has called me mama since the second she found out I was pregnant that it has apparently become second nature.
She squeezes me tight and sniffles. “I wish I could take your pain away.”
I shake my head and pull back to look at her face. “I don’t.” I smile. “I never want you to have this pain.” I step back and wipe under my eyes. “Alright anyway, hi, do you have clothes for me?”
I watch as she takes a minute to compose herself and then nods, walking towards the bed and dumping out the bags. “Most of this is mine. I usually keep some things here because I am randomly here and if I drink, the guys don’t let me leave.”
“Thank you. Hopefully, we can get to a store soon.”
“Yes! But the guys want to talk to us, so get dressed and I’ll walk downstairs with you.”
I pull on some clothes and freshen up, then head downstairs to find most of the guys in the common room and some in the kitchen. Jackson waves me over to the table he is at. When I make it over to him, he pulls me down on his lap and pushes a plate of food in front of me.
“Eat, angel,” he whispers in my ear.
Everyone smiles and says variations of hello and continues their conversations around us.
After I’m about halfway done, Jackson speaks, “Stone and I have to run an errand after we are done eating.”
I glance back at him. “Okay. Where do you have to go?”
He glances past me before bringing his eyes back to mine. “Just to the shop real quick. I won’t be gone long.” Something in his demeaner has shifted, and as much as I want to panic and question what is happening, I just change the subject because whatever it is, I have to remember to trust him.
“I should probably go back to work soon,” I say.
Jackson’s eyes immediately darken, and I see him ready to spit out no, which pisses me off more than I expect it to, so I beat him to it.
“No,” I say louder than I mean to, causing others to look at us. “Don’t say no. I need to work. I want to. If you try to stop me, I’ll just find somewhere else to work.”
My eyes widen at the same time as Jackson’s, realizing I said that out loud and everyone heard, and I came off more aggressive than I meant to.
I stand up and mumble, “I need to take a walk.” Then head towards where I remember the front door being.
Someone really needs to give me a damn tour.
As soon as I get out of the main room and see the front door, someone grabs my arm and pushes me farther down the hall before turning me and pinning me against the wall. Before I can panic, my eyes lock on Jackson’s.
His angry gaze bores into me. “You want to work? I won’t stop you. But I need you to give it another week for my own sanity. Just rest and take a break. You won’t go work somewhere else. I don’t care what you have to say about that. I’ll drag your ass back here if you try. You’re angry? Good. Be angry. But talk to me before snapping at me, angel, because I have no problem dragging you back upstairs and turning your ass red. I’m glad you're finding your rage at this whole fucked up situation. But I’m on your side. Got it?”
I nod, feeling myself deflate as shame washes over me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
“Go on your walk. Stay within the fence. It’s for your protection. Ask someone to give you a tour or go with you so you don’t get lost. I’m going to the shop. I’ll be back later, and we will talk.” He gives me a soft kiss before turning and walking away.
A piece of my heart going with him knowing I fucked up. Why the hell did I get worked up so easily? That never happens.
After taking some deep breaths, I walk out the front door. I know he said to take someone with me, but I just need some alone time to think. I follow the road that wraps around the building and pass a shed and then an almost finished house. I keep walking past the house until I reach a curve. The road seems to wrap around the property.
I don’t want to get lost, so I turn back around and walk back up towards the house that’s almost done. It’s a single-story ranch house that is all grey with a wrap-around beautiful oak porch. I wander around it and sit on the back steps, staring out at their land and the main building that’s to the right.
There is a slight breeze today that makes me shiver. I wrap my arms around myself and let my thoughts go.
I should be almost four months pregnant right now. I will never get to meet my baby. Hold her in my arms, sing a song to her, teach her anything. I’ll never see her first smile or hear her say mommy.
She took a piece of me with her when she died. A piece I can never get back.
