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Turning around, I hurl into one of the pots. I go down on my haunches, holding my hair in place, realizing just how much I had. I pick up the bottle and it’s nearly empty. Groaning, I grab my forehead and stay on the balcony until I sober up.
Once I feel a bit better, I walk inside again but I can’t find Hendryk or his coat. He’s gone home and so have most of the other guest. Some friends have remained and they’re gossiping with Frau in the salon. On my way to my cupboard, I can’t help but overhear.
”Did you see how that assistant stared at our Hendryk?” one of them laughs and I stop in my tracks, growing cold. ”I feared she was going to undress in front of us and throw herself at him!”
They burst into laughter, and my body fills with shame. Can everybody see how much I want him? Can Hendryk?
”And the way he looks at her with pity. He wasn’t born yesterday, he knows what she’s after.”
”Only that he won’t ever give it. Men like him never do to girls like her.”
”The only way girls like Elasha can snare men like Hendryk, is if they trick them into getting them pregnant,” Frau Falther nods. ”Girls like Elasha are only good for pumping and dumping, but then they’re tossed aside for women like us and my niece.”
Indignation floods me and suddenly I no longer see straight.Tossed aside. A pulse starts ticking in my ears and I’m turned inside out, with all the unprotected parts on display. My skin seems to grow thinner and a desperate need to put my mark on Hendryk flares in me.
I’m never going to be the one Hendryk takes advantage of for his enjoyment, but then replaces for another girl. I’m his and he’s mine. My eyes lock on my own face in the mirror on the wall and I know what I feel. If I can’t have him, nobody else will.
8.
Hendryk
Once more, liquor ruins everything.
I nearly had her that night, planned to kiss her but she was so damn drunk. Her words slurred, her eyes looked like lost mirrors and then it was the smell…I just couldn’t do it and had to walk away from there to not grab her by the shoulders and shake her.
Or fuck her without kissing her. She was offering herself up, gladly but it didn’t count because in that state she may as well have offered a kidney.
Snow starts drizzling from the sky.
It reminds me of Ella-Ashley’s pale lips, and I want to kick myself for not tasting her mouth despite the liquor. Fuck, why didn’t I do it?
I stop in my tracks when I see a mass of red, bob in the middle of the crowd and the corners of my lips curve. There’s my girl. Just when I was thinking about her.
She comes walking out of a shop, carrying a packet and she turns her head because she must have sensed someone watching.
Her eyes round but I can’t read if she’s surprised, happy or distraught. Lowering her gaze, she walks toward me and I let her come to me, feeling rakes of shivers down my spine the closer she gets.
She’s forgotten to button up her coat, and her breasts shimmy underneath her thin sweater. My fists clench and I wonder why she’s not wearing a bra. It’s prettyriskyof her, and I’m so damn convinced that her true nature is a lot more feisty. Stopping in front of me, she cranes her neck and I flash a wide smile.
”This is getting creepy,” I grin. ”I’m starting to think the universe is conspiring.”
Flushing, she shrugs. ”I don’t believe in kismet,” she says in a flighty voice. ”It’s just a coincidence.”
Funny. I don’t believe in coincidences.
”That’s not very romantic of you,” I say playfully and I wonder if she remembers anything from our moment on the balcony. ”I had a great time last night. You’re not too mad at me for showing up unannounced?”
”You were the only person at the party, I was actually happy seeing,” she murmurs but digs her teeth into her lip as if she just said too much. ”Because you were the only one under fifty,” she quickly adds.
”Ah…,” I say, then nod at her package, ”is that for me?”
A spontaneous laugh escapes her, making my heart jackhammer and I flood with a sudden sense of self-importance.
”No, um…it’s a pair of ice-skates actually. You can borrow them if you want, but I think they’re too small for you.”
”Nah, I have a very delicate shoe size.”
Sniggering, she replies, ”No, you definitely do not.”
