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That Hendryk will be distracted as soon as something better walks by, just like the gossip last night prophesied.Men like him never go for girls like me…
I clap the back of my teeth together to stop myself to not say something I shouldn’t and let go of Hendryk. He frowns but as soon as I put my back to him, I get the sensation that he just touched the ends of my hair. I glance over my shoulder, noticing his hands are in his pockets.
”Do you want to rest?” he asks and I nod, a lump in my throat. And no, Idon’twant to rest. I want to be held by him and I want to leave behind that part of me that’s in winter and fully step inside the one that’s summer. Only with him can I do that.
But only if I’m his. And I’m not there yet.
I might never get there and the notion burns. It burns so much that it feels like I have ball of fire in my gut that’s on a straight path to my heart. Brushing my hair off my face, I sit on the bench while Hendryk remains standing. He tied my laces for me earlier. I had to forcefully squeeze my legs together because they kept wanting to open for him.
Everything in meyearnsto open for him.
Dragging a deep breath, I glance up at him but jolt. He’s watching me with a distant yet penetrating expression. The white wonderland around us starts to swirl. I feel like I’m in a dark tunnel, lights swooshing by in lightning speed on the sides but I don’t know what waits at the end.
It makes my jaw slack but he looks away just as fast, and when his eyes are on me again they’re their usual friendly self.
I must’ve imagined.
”Ellie, do you remember anything that happened yesterday?” he asks. ”When we were out on the balcony?”
I wince. ”Why? Did I do something wrong?” I shudder. ”The only thing I remember is you taking the bottle from me, but that’s it. The rest is a blur.”
”You don’t remember offering me anything?”
”Yeah, some wine but you said you don’t drink.”
”Is that all?” he says with a tinge of disappointment and I nod, in sincerity. ”You don’t remember offering anything else?”
”What did I try to offer?” I pant, fearing the worst, fearing I outed myself in some huge way.
”Nothing,” Hendryk says, ”forget it.” He glances at his watch. ”I should get going.”
Not yet… He belongs to me. His place is with me. I don’t want him going anywhere. But I’m being gregarious. I couldn’t keep Hendryk in place if I wanted to and his size, suddenly feels monstrous.
Hendryk takes a step back. ”Look…ah, I didn’t want to say anything but is everything okay? You seem shaken up about something.”
I’m trying so hard to hide it and I’m not going to tell him. In response, I shake my head and roll my thumbs.
He puts his hand on my shoulder and it should make me excited but the touch is too camaraderie for me. It only makes me crave more of him, and I want to know the color of his eyes in the dark, how his voice changes, the things he murmurs in his sleep.
”Ellie, whatever it is that you’re trying not to tell me, you can tell me,” he says, slowly removing his hand from my shoulder.
”You’ll get upset.”
Amusement colors his voice. ”Upset?”
”I’ve been doing something I shouldn’t be doing.”
”We all do that sometimes…”
”No, this is different.” I shrug. ”You wouldn’t get it. You’re so proper and upright. Bet you’ve never even stolen someone else’s pencil.”
”No, I haven’t,” he laughs. ”Who steals someone’s pencil?”
Me. I do that. And sometimes I use it as a hair pin, so that I have an excuse to carry it with me. Guilt floods my bloodstream. Hendryk can’t find out the truth. He’ll think I’m a bad person. Right now, he’s convinced that I’m so innocent and I want him to keep thinking that. I don’t want him to realize that he’s all good and I’m all bad.
”Relax. Whatever it is, I’m fine with it.”
Clasping my elbow, he pulls me up and I react too slowly. Not understanding what he wants…
