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Her gaze turns to me. “And Libby can find something for you, I’m sure. I’ll tell her to bring something to your room. Seven o’clock. On the dot.”
She starts to leave then and I turn to pull a face at Cam. “On thedot,” she says again, but he’s already turning away, and as he does, I see something in his face I’ve never seen before.
Fear.
From the Desk of Ruby A. McTavish
March 25, 2013
Andrew understood people. More than that, hesawthem. Better than they could see themselves, I think. It’s what made him such a brilliant artist. There’s a reason his portraits still hang in all those museums even when the subjects themselves weren’t always particularly interesting people. But Andrewmadethem interesting because he could recognize something in them that no one else could. You see it in the portrait he painted of me, I think.
I’d felt so remote at that point in my life, cut off from normal society, an island of a woman whose head was filled with far darker thoughts than anyone guessed. But Andrew saw that there was still something human inside of me, something warm and worth loving.
And he did love me. He loved me so much.
So you can see where I thought he might understand.
Ten years is not all that long to be married to someone in the grand scheme of things. Nelle and the Dreadful Alan were married for forty-two years, a worse punishment than even I would’ve dreamed up for her, but still, a marriage people would point at and say, “That’s a lifetime together.”
But those ten years with Andrewfeltlike a lifetime. In the best way.
They were the happiest ten years of my life.
I wasn’t used to happiness, and certainly not happiness that lasted so long. It made me soft. Stupid.
Worst of all, it made me think I was safe.
It was 1980. I had just turned forty, an interesting point in a woman’s life, the age at which she finally begins to feel like she might have finally become the person she was meant to be. I certainly felt that way.
Daddy had died not long after Hugh, just a few months later, and if he harbored any suspicions about Hugh’s death, they weren’t strong enough to make him change his will. McTavish Limited was mine, every holding, every investment, every zero.
Oh, Nelle got a lovely little nest egg, thanks to money Mama had put in trust. It was certainly enough to keep her happy for all her days, but when was Nelle ever happy? Besides, it was never the money that she cared about. It was the house, and that—every brick and board of it—belonged to me.
Daddy had put a caveat in the will that Nelle could never be cast out of Ashby House, that she was entitled to live there for the rest of her life. Still, I’d assumed that, with him gone and me and Andrew firmly installed, my sister would take Mama’s money and buy her, Alan, and Howell their own place.
I’m very rarely stupid, my dear, but when it comes to Nelle, I somehow always underestimate what a goddamn pill she can be.
She stayed on at Ashby, her and her horrid little family. By that winter of 1980, Alan was hardly ever around. He’d moved on from Violet to some other woman in town, and we all pretended he was busy with work. Howell was sixteen and had already crashed the gorgeous little Corvette Nelle bought him for his birthday, crushing it against a tree just at the base of the mountain. Wonder he didn’t break his fool neck, and in my darker moments, I often thought,Not a wonder. A shame.
But none of it was all that bad because I had Andrew.
He had a way of turning all these irritations and frustrations into funny little anecdotes. Oh, god, his impression of Nelle was a thing to behold! He could get that way she holds her mouthjust right. And he was so good at poking fun at Alan’s cheerful blandness, Howell’s teenage entitlement, and things that would usually aggravate the fire out of me became things that, through Andrew’s alchemy, were funny.
He was the one who made me love the woods around Ashby as well, those woods I’d always had such a distaste for. But holding Andrew’s hand, seeing the leaves and the trees through his eyes, I fell in love with the land that surrounded my home. I even had new trails made, and we would wander them together, cut off from everything but each other.
You and me against the world,he would sing underneath his breath sometimes.
And so it was.
That’s how it felt that night in 1980, curled up on the sofa in the den with Andrew, watching the fire crackle in the fireplace. It was January, a wet mix of sleet and snow pattering against the windows. Andrew had one arm around me, idly stroking my hair, the other holding a book, one of those spy thrillers he always loved. I didn’t want him to lift his other hand from my hair, so every once in a while, he would murmur, “Turn,” and I’d reach up and turn the page for him, both of us amused every time, him joking that who would’ve thought a poor Yorkshire lad would one day have the lady of the manor flipping pages of a book for him.
I don’t believe in an afterlife—I’m sure you can understand why such an idea is abhorrent to me—but if there is a heaven, and through some mix-up of celestial paperwork I actually gotto go there, this moment is where I’d want to spend eternity. Andrew’s hand on my hair, the fire before us, the snow outside, the crackle of pages turning and his soft chuckle in my ear.
“How’s your book?” I asked.
“Horrible,” he replied. “I’ve counted at least three plot holes, and the author has had to describe blood so often that he’s beginning to run out of synonyms for ‘red.’ I expect the next death to involve the word ‘vermilion’ at this rate.”
“And you’re loving it.”
