AllFreeNovel
Share Us
This isn’t really how I expected my day to go, to be honest.
We’re lying together in my bed. Haley’s head against my chest with her ear on my heart. A calmness washes over my body that I haven’t felt in so damn long. I’m so tired. I’m tired of fucking up. And I’m tired of having no control over my life. Right here, in this moment, I know I could be happy with her. I wouldn’t need the drugs. Or the alcohol. I could be content if I never touched another pill. As long as I had her, I’d be all set.
“Thank you for my bookcase,” she says softly. “I can’t even put into words how much I love it.”
I run my fingers against her bare back, trying to stay with her for as long as I can even though I know, soon, my body is going to tell me it’s time to bolt. “You are very welcome. I’ll help you put your books away. I just figured you had certain places for each one. I didn’t want to put them in the wrong order and risk you beating me up.” I look down, wiggling my eyebrows. “On second thought, you’re mighty fine when there’s smoke coming from your ears. Maybe I should piss you off more often.”
“Don’t even think about it,” she murmurs. “You really are something, Cade Huff. You know that?”
She cranes her neck up to look at me. A look that scares me as much as it heals me. I eat it up. I love it. But building a bookcase doesn’t make me worthy of it. I know that much.
“It was nothing. Just wanted to do something nice for you.” I smile down at her.
My own money was wearing thin. But the fact that I spent a good deal of what was left on the materials for the bookcase and not drugs? It speaks volumes to how much she means to me. Butjust because I had the willpower to put her first this one time doesn’t mean I will have it all the time.
“It’s far from nothing,” she whispers, her voice growing thicker. “It’s … everything.”
I look at the ceiling for a second, not really knowing what to say.
Now that I know how much the bookcase I made means to her, I realize I’ve only set myself up for failure. Because that isn’t usually me. I’m not that guy. And now, she’ll want more. She’ll think I can give her more.
I can’t promise anything to her. I know I can’t.
But I know one thing: I want her. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.
More than hockey. More than drugs. More than sobriety.
But I can’t fully have her until I get my life in order. And I don’t know when that’ll be. It wouldn’t be fair to keep a girl like her waiting. What a selfish bastard it would make me to try.
I could tell her the truth. I could admit out loud the reasons why I’m not prepared to be the man she needs and deserves. I could say it right now. Maybe it would free me. But if it freed me, it would imprison her. Because from that point forward, I know she would worry. And the look she’s giving me right now? Forget it. She’d look at me differently. I fucking hate the thought of that alone.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing, Haley.” I swallow back a lump of emotion. “All I know is … I can’t stay away from you.”
“Me neither,” she whispers so softly that I hardly hear her. She presses her lips to my abdomen. “When my world goes to shit, you’re always here.” I feel her shrug against me. “And that’s got to count for something … right?”
I blow out a breath softly, barely nodding. “Yeah, I guess it does.”
But what will happen when her world goes to shit because of me? Who’s going to save her then?
12
Cade
After practice, I rush home and head upstairs. Locking the door to the bathroom, I take the clear baggie out of my pocket and get what I need out of it. Pulling the drawer open, I reach around till I find the mirror I hid back there. I quiet that voice in my brain that’s telling me to give it the drugs it needs. I’m just a passenger in my own life.
Once I’m done snorting the crushed pill, I pick the mirror up to clean it and catch sight of myself. My eyes are bloodshot. I’m not skinny enough for people who don’t know me to notice, but I’ve lost enough weight that when my parents come to visit in a few weeks, they’ll know right away that something is up. A small, lingering amount of white shit sits under my nose, and I quickly wipe it off before stuffing the baggie into my pocket.
Loser, I say to myself.You don’t deserve that girl in the room next door who looks at you like you hung the fucking moon. You don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as her.
I don’t shut the voice off in my head because I know it’s right. Haley Thompson is perfection. And I’m just the fraud who led her to believe I’m not an absolute piece of shit when that’s exactly what I am.
You’re slipping at practice. The guys are starting to notice something’s going on with you.
I hold the mirror in the sink, washing it and willing my thoughts to shut the fuck up. Guilt consumes every fiber of my being. Along with that feeling of dread because I know my time is running out. I’m not going to be able to fool everyone for much longer.
Reaching into the shower, I crank the knob as hot as it’ll go and strip my clothes off, leaving them in a pile. I hold my hand under the spray, and it almost burns my fingertips, but I waste no time climbing in.
Not being strong enough to get through the day sober is a whole other type of hell no one talks about. And while I know I chose to use those first few times … it wasn’t really a choice after that. It became a necessity.
