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I’m constantly looking at the time. It’s not that I can’t wait for my next high; it’s that my body is trained to already be thinking of it. It doesn’t matter that it’s only been a few hours. I’m ready to do it all over again. Or my mind and body are.
When Haley and I hooked up the other day and I came harder than I ever had before, I helped her put her books away. I loved watching her as she put each one in a certain spot, and then she would change it at least five times.
That day, I felt something in my soul come alive again. And I figured something out as I stared at her while she was in deep concentration, scowling with that crease between her brow as she looked from shelf to shelf. I knew right then that I loved her. That I was in love with her.
That night, I told myself that I needed to get my act together. I couldn’t be an active addict while being with a girl like her. And since I had the next day off from practice and all things hockey, I figured I’d skip classes, claiming I didn’t feel good. And I really wouldn’t since I’d be starving my body of the one thing it thought it needed, starting the withdrawal process.
By the next day, I had never been so sick in my life. Well, besides the last time I had gone through withdrawal. Haley came in to check on me, but I told her I didn’t want her to catch what I had. And I sent her away.
She returned a few hours later with ginger ale, Gatorade, ibuprofen, and a cool washcloth for my forehead. Curling up to me, she held my aching body, taking the washcloth away as I started to shiver. When I tried to tell her to leave, that I didn’t want her to get sick, she simply put her hand on my forehead and gave me a faint smile.
And she said, “I’m not going anywhere.”
For the next few hours, I ran to the bathroom, puked I didn’t know how many times, wanted to scream in agony as every single joint, muscle, ligament, and cell ached to a level I’d never felt before. And by nine o’clock that night, Haley had fallen asleep, and I gave in to the monster inside my head and went to Van’s house for more drugs. I had hockey the next morning, and I couldn’t show up the way I was.
I let the shower spray down my body, scorching my skin as I think back to when all that happened last week. If I had just stayed strong, would I have been feeling normal by now? Or would I have still been in pure hell? I suppose it’d have been no worse than the hell I’m in right now. I can’t stand to look at myself in a mirror, so how the hell will she look at me when she learns the truth?
I love her, and that should be enough for me to get myself straight. I shouldn’t be looking at her like a burden for comingbetween me and getting high. But sometimes, that’s how I see her. I can’t help it. I don’t think any amount of love would change that.
Love can’t fix everything. And it sure as hell can’t fix me.
The calmest seas can be turned upside down by the strongest storm.
Haley is like a serene sea. And I’m the storm.
In the end, everything in my path will be wrecked.
I have no right to ruin Haley. No right at all.
She’s too perfect to be taken out by my wrath.
Haley
I look out the window, fiddling with my necklace. The clouds are dark, and the wind is picking up. Typically, thunderstorms are more of a spring and summer thing. Yet here we are. About to get hit with one.
“So, look … I’m supposed to go over to Sutton’s tonight and help her move a few things around,” Hunter says, coming behind me. “But I can stay here. Or you can come with me.” He pauses, and I know he’s looking out the window too. “I know how much you hate storms.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, turning toward him. “I’m inside … right? And it’ll probably pass quickly.”
He eyes me over, seeing if I mean it. My brother is that guy. The one who wants to be there for everyone even if it’s hard.
“Promise,” I add, flashing him a half-smile.
“I’ll be here for our little sis,” Watson says, coming next to me and throwing his arm around my shoulders. “I’ll keep ya safe.”
“I don’t know if that makes me feel any better,” Hunter says, narrowing his eyes.
“I’ll be here too,” I hear Cade say as he strolls downstairs, his hair wet from his shower. “I’ve got nowhere to be.”
I don’t know why Hunter doesn’t hate storms the way I do. He was there when my hatred for lightning began. Our mom was driving us home from school, and lightning struck a tree. It landed directly on my mom’s car, trapping us in there for hours. Since then, I’ve really,reallyhated storms.
Hunter has been so preoccupied with Sutton since she got home from the hospital that he surprisingly hasn’t caught on that Cade and I have been spending more time together than usual. Watson’s definitely noticed, but for some reason, he hasn’t really brought it up. But that’s probably because he’s with Ryann during all his free time.
“As long as you guys are sure.” Hunter’s eyes sweep over all of us. “And if you guys end up leaving, you need to take her with you,” he warns them. “And you can drop her off at Sutton’s to be with me. Okay?”
“You got it, Hunty,” Cade chimes. “Go get you some hot thunderstorm sex.”
“Ew,” I groan. “I’m right here.”
