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"And what if what you want is different from what I want?" I ask.
Ryan looks up at me, his dark eyes filled with sadness. "Then I guess we'll have to face that reality," he says.
I nod, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes. "I don't want to face that reality," I say, my voice cracking. "I don't want to lose you, but I can't ignore what I want either."
"I know," he says, reaching out and taking my hand. "I don't want to lose you either, Sophia. You mean everything to me."
"Then what do we do?" I ask, feeling lost and confused.
"We take it one day at a time," Ryan says. "We figure things out together, and we don't give up on each other."
I nod, feeling a glimmer of hope. Maybe we can figure this out. We can perhaps find a way to make it work. But deep down, I know that it won't be easy. The road ahead of us is uncertain, and I don't know what it'll bring. But I'm willing to try for Ryan, for us…for the family I've always wanted.
Chapter twenty-four
Ryan
We only spend one more day with my parents before my sister finally arrives, here to take over for me...and then we're off again.
And everything feels wrong.
Sophia is so quiet on the way back from Summerville, Tex in her lap, her fingers idly stroking his fur. I can tell she's angry, and I understand why.
I'm frustrated with myself.
I wish I wasn't like this.
But I'm too old to give her what she wants.
When this was all just a game, when we were just fucking...it was easy to feel like we could make this relationship work. But now I'm certain that Sophia needs something more than me. She deserves a lot better…a better life. And if she wants kids, I can't give her that.
I can't bring children into the world so that they can watch me get old and sick.
I can't bear more trauma, not after watching my dad this week.
Her mood gets even worse by the time we pull into the parking garage under my building, her jaw tight as she steadfastly ignores me. We bring our bags up to the apartment, dropping them by the front door, and I head over to the kitchen and pull out my phone.
"I don't think we have much food," I murmur. "Do you want me to order something?"
She's still standing by the door, her arms crossed. Wearing a plain old hoodie and jeans, she's lost some of her luster.
She looks tired; More tired even than I feel.
"I want you to talk to me," she says, biting her lip.
I meet her eyes from where I'm standing in the kitchen, feeling this awful gulf between us. She's just across the apartment, but it's like she's living on a different planet.
"We had the whole drive to talk," I say quietly.
"And you didn't say a word," she says. "I was waiting..."
"Waiting for what?" I ask, getting defensive. "Sophia—I'm not going to change my mind about kids."
She sighs and squeezes her eyes shut, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. "I want this to work, Ryan," she whispers. "Please. Please don't make me do this."
"Do what?"
Her shoulders slump. "Leave."
