AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Fuck.Fuck. All of a sudden, this feels too real, hitting me like a fucking freight train.
I just found her.
She can't leave.
"I'm not making you leave," I say, my throat tight. "I don't want you to."
"But what you said in the park..."
"What I said in the park was that we'll have to figure this out," I say. But I'm getting flashbacks to Amanda and me having thisexact conversation—with me on the other side of it: Amanda telling me that I wanted a family and she couldn't give it to me.
And by the time we broke up, it was too late.
I was already past the point where I could start a family.
"Sophia...I won't hold you back from what you want," I say. "But I need to be clear—I want you. Just you because you are the most incredible woman I've ever met. This just started, I know...but I'm already certain I can't lose you."
"But you will if we don't talk about this."
I sigh and tug on my hair, not knowing what to do with my hands. I want to cross the room, touch her, kiss her, and make her forget about this whole stupid conversation. "I don't know why you're so obsessed with having kids all of a sudden," I mutter. "We just started dating each other."
She opens her mouth like she's going to say something, and I'm sure whatever it is will cut like a knife—but she holds back. "I just want to be clear on your expectations for us."
I move around the kitchen island and cross the living room, closing the distance between us.
"My expectations are simple," I say. "I want to be with you. I want to make you happy, to make you feel loved. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I want you in my life. That's all that matters to me right now."
She looks up at me, and I can see the doubt in her eyes. She's not sure if she can trust me, or if I'll change my mind in a year or two. But I'm determined to show her that I mean what I say.
"Sophia, I know that you want children. And if that's something that you need in your life, then I understand if you have to leave. But I hope you can see that I'm not trying to hold you back. I just want you to be happy."
She takes a deep breath, her eyes flickering with emotion. "I just...this is just..."
She pauses, swallowing hard.
"It's all hypothetical, of course, but it's hard to imagine being with someone who wouldn't want a child with me because...well, because I was an unwanted child. My parents didn't want me. They never loved me. And Ryan...I suffered for it. I know I put on a brave face, but my upbringing was really, really rough."
"I know that," I say. "You don't have to—"
"You don't get it," she says, her grey eyes sparkling as they meet mine. "I'm trying to tell you I have serious hang-ups about this, and I need you to...I need you to support me. I need you to tell me that you would want our child."
God, of course, I would. Imagining her with our kid, what they would look like...it kills me.
But then I see my dad in my mind's eye, limping to and from the bedroom, hooked up to machines.
I should tell her I'm scared.
I should tell her I don't want to be selfish and hurt a child that way—not the way I was hurting this week, when it would happen so much faster to them.
"I'm already so old, Sophia," I croak.
She raises her hands to touch my face, shaking her head. "Ryan, you are so full of life. I wouldn't be here if you weren't. I wouldn't have found it so hard to resist you. You're one of the most alive people I've ever met, but you act like you're already all burned out."
"I just never imagined this life..."
"We rarely get the life we imagined," Sophia says. "But we have to make the most of what we have."
Her words stun me, and I realize she's right. I've been so focused on what I can't give her that I forgot about what we do have. I take her hands in mine, feeling the warmth and softness of her skin. "You're right," I say. "I'm sorry. I've been so focused on what I can't give you that I forgot about what we have right now."
