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I need to get out of here before I have a full meltdown. I stand, but before I can move there’s a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t even think about running right now.”
I whisper to Cassandra, “I need to leave.”
“No, you need to stay. Let’s go for a walk and cool down.” She turns to Trevor. “You’ll keep an eye on the kids?”
I assume he nods. My head is down, avoiding the sympathetic looks likely being thrown my way. The same looks I’ve received many times in the past from this group. I can’t bear to make eye contact with anyone.
She pulls me into her body, and we walk away. They have a large property so we can easily head out of sight. As soon as we are, she turns to me. “What’s the story?”
“He told me about his first love, Mandy, the artist. Obviously I had no idea it was Amanda. It’s a common name. He was completely in love with her in college. He thought she was the one. At some point, things headed south when she fell in with a rough crowd and started doing drugs.”
She nods. “We know she was an addict. She got clean when she became pregnant with Jade.”
“Right. Well, Dominic was on his way to becoming a professional baseball player. Because of her antics, he got injured and it ended his career. After the incident, she disappeared without a trace, and he never saw her again. He admitted to me that he never felt closure with her. He also never dated anyone after her because of how she broke his heart. That’s why he went to Hush Hush. He didn’t want to risk his heart again.” I turn to Cassandra. “She’s the one that got away.”
“That was a long time ago. He loves you now.”
I shake my head. “Did you hear me? She’s the one that got away. And he’s been acting weird all week. I think he’s been having second thoughts about us.”
I sit down in the grass, unable to stand anymore. “What have I done, Cassandra? What have I done to deserve so much pain and loss in my life? I lost my father when I was a little girl. You wanted nothing to do with me for most of my life. My husband couldn’t be faithful to me. I lost my mother by the time I turned thirty. I dated a series of mediocre men, who would rather jerk off on a hooker’s feet than be with me. Dominic left me last year, and he’s about to leave me again. Am I such a bad person that I deserve all this heart break? Am I unlovable? Am I simply destined to be alone?” I wipe the tears. “I wish he never came into my life. Now that I know what true love feels like, having it taken away makes the pain so much worse.”
I have to take another moment. I whisper, “I feel like I’m hurting more often than I’m not. Besides my mother, no one in my life has ever prioritized me.”
She sits next to me and wraps her arm around me. “I don’t think Dominic is leaving you. You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“Even if he doesn’t, I can’t stand in the way of his love for her.”
“I think you’re wrong. And I’m sorry I was a shitty sister. You know it had nothing to do with you. You were an extension of him, and I hated him. I know you didn’t, but I did. I know what it’s like to feel abandoned and unloved. Remember, I was the one Dad left. Do you know my last conversation with him?”
I shake my head.
“It was the morning of my college graduation. He was calling to tell me he was missing the graduation ceremony because you had a dance recital. You were three and had your mother. I was fucking graduating from college and had no other family. Darian’s family and Scott were the only people there to support me. He never was.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know it’s not your fault. But I need you to know why I couldn’t be around you. You were the daughter he wanted. I was the daughter he didn’t want. At least that’s how I saw it at the time. I regret my actions, but I can’t change the past. I’m here now, Beth. I always will be. I love you. I hope you know that.” She has tears in her eyes. “When you pulled away this past year, it was devastating for me. Regardless of what happens with Dominic, please don’t pull away again.”
“I know. It was bad for me too. I won’t. I promise.”
I lean my head into her, and she holds me tight. For thirty years I wanted my absentee sister to love me. At least I have that.
We sit in silence for a while. She lets me cry.
After what feels like an eternity, I look up at her. “I don’t want them all to see me like this. I think I should go home.”
She steels her face. “No. I won’t let you leave. You’ve changed in this past year and a half. You’re different. You’ve learned to fight for what you want, and we both know you want him. You love him. I know for a fact that he loves you.”
I’m silent.
“Reverse this situation. Gary was your first love. Let’s say Gary left you without a word and showed up here today. Would you leave Dominic for him?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Right. You said Dominic never had closure. That’s what they’re doing. Every single thing he says and does shows me that he loves you. Don’t let your past ghosts haunt the bright future you have. Don’t let past insecurities consume you. You’re badass Beth now, the fighter. Don’t fucking forget it.”
I nod as my phone rings. I look down at it and then back up at Cassandra. “It’s Dominic’s father. Go back to everyone. I need a few minutes to collect myself.”
“Don’t you dare leave.”
