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He had no idea how much I couldn't do this. I couldn't go back to someone racking my brain for answers. It never helped, not once.
"Jerry isn't like that, I promise."
"And how do you know?" I stopped and challenged him.
"Because your father hired himfor me," he answered and I stared at him in shock.
"For you?"
"Yes," he nodded. "I'm not gonna go over how fucked up I was when I started here but Jerry did help a lot."
I listened to him carefully but didn't look at his face.
"These nightmares, Eves, aren't doing you any good."
"I haven't had one in a while. Today was the first—"
"It doesn't matter. I saw the look on your face in that coffee shop. It still has a hold on you, Eves."
I prayed he wouldn't mention the baby, him mentioning the baby would only upset me and I didn't wanna cry here.
"I'll make you a deal," he offered. "Talk with Jerry, if you don't think it's helping, I won't mention it again. Just try for me, okay?"
I nodded after a while, knowing how much this meant to him. I'd do this for him, even if it meant more upset for me.
* * *
"Tellme why you didn't want to meet with me today, Eve?"
I looked at Jerry from where I sat in my chair, my head full of doubt and sceptical thoughts.
"I don't like digging up the past, I don't think it helps anyone."
He nodded, not necessarily agreeing.
"Firstly, I want to tell you that everything you speak to me about will remain strictly between us."
I nodded, knowing that already.
"What if we didn't bring up the past? Just talk about how you're feeling now."
"Doing that will always revert to the past. The past has brought me to how I'm feeling now."
He nodded, I could see his physiatrist gears working in his head, trying to figure me out.
"You're awfully sceptical about my help, aren't you?" He smiled with a sense of knowing.
"I've seen many psychiatrists," I replied.
"Hmm," he nodded, "at your own will?"
I waited a short while and shook my head. "Always because someone else wanted me to or told me I had to."
Exactly like right now. I was doing this for Kit.
"So, how about this?" he proceeded. "How about you sit here with me as your friend, because you want to be here. Not because you're doing it because someone else has told you to? No one is paying me to shrink you, I get paid either way. So, you can come and go as you please, no boundaries or commitments."
"That sounds like something a shrink would say," I said and Jerry belly laughed.
