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"They made me watch everything, like it was a sport to them," I repeated.
I was expecting myself to become more emotional but I didn't because I knew I had to say this. I knew I had to be strong. I knew Kit wanted to comfort me, but he kept still, knowing I had to get all of this out. Or at least try to make a start.
"When I think about it really hard, the more I remember them. I can almost see their faces in my head."
I bit my teeth together hard, hatred filling my being.
"I hope they all died for what they did. For the pain and fear they inflicted—"
"They did," Kit cut me off and I stared at him.
I knew then that he had personally played a part in that.
"Even at the last second," I took a deep breath trying not to cry but it was no use.
"Even at the last second, when he knew he was going to be killed—" I choked and Kit began standing up, only for me to tell him to sit down.
"Maybe this isn't the right thing to do," he pleaded.
"No," I said, "he told me that I need to say it out loud, that it would help. Like you wanted?" I eyed him and he nodded.
"Even at the last minute, my Dad gave me reassurance through his eyes that everything would be okay."
I closed my eyes, trying to handle the image in my head and I felt Kit's hand on mine. I opened them to see his arm outstretched across the table to hold my hand.
"I've never felt that reassurance again. Not until I met you."
I could see the love in his eyes as he nodded and caressed my hand some more. It gave me the strength to carry on.
"I had this barrier in my head, that portrayed through my body. A barrier to keep people out because the pain I felt was so soul-destroying that It wiped me clean. Like, literally, once they were gone I didn't know who I was anymore. Without them here I was just blank, as if somehow, being taken with them would have made more sense. For a long time, that's what I thought. That everything would have just been easier if I went with them too. If you hadn't saved me."
"You can't honestly believe that, Eves."
"Once they were gone, I did a lot of stupid things. I made my grandparents life a nightmare, after the loss they'd already been dealt. I hated myself for living when they'd been taken, so I took it out on myself whilst shutting everyone out. I drank. One time so much that I drank myself into the hospital and…" I couldn't finish the sentence.
"I know," Kit answered and I frowned at him in question.
"Before we take on a case, we have to research the person first. For my mission, in particular, I had to know as much about you as possible to try and snake my way in. I would make it my job to extensively research the person. That's how I knew you didn't drink. That day at your Aunt's wedding when I said about you not drinking, I could have blown my damn cover sooner saying stupid things like that. I just forgot half the time that I was on a mission. You frazzled my mind, to say the least."
"I'm guessing that's a good thing?" I asked as he took a drink.
His eyebrows raised. "I like to think so," he winked.
I blushed and looked away at our hands still connected on the table. I began tracing my finger inside his palm and I could feel his eyes watching me intensely.
"Carry on, Eves," he said and I nodded.
"After that, I swore I'd never put my grandparents through anything like that again. It made me hate myself more and that hatred filled my mind, turning into hatred towards everyone around me. I'd watch people living happily and I'd detest them for it. It made me feel horrible, at least inside. On the outside, I remained quiet and reserved."
He nodded, clenching my hand back within his.
"You have no idea how meeting you brought me out of my shell."
"You're welcome," he grinned and it made me smile.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, you are also the reason why many times I wished I could go back to being that girl so that it wouldn't hurt knowing you."
"I know," he said, full of regret. "That pain is a clear reminder of the love though, Eves. It may hurt sometimes but you can't just block it out. I realised that when I started falling for you."
