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I nodded, enjoying the sensation his thumb was creating against my hand.
"Is there anything else you need to say?" he asked and I nodded, knowing I'd need to address something else. He knew it too.
"You probably know by now that Ralph still bothers me."
He nodded, looking angry trying to contain it.
"So much so that my old nightmares are now fifty-fifty with new nightmares all based around Ralph. I've seen his face on random people, and I'm terrified it's all going to happen again."
"It doesn't help that you're never put at ease, you're always fearful that it will happen again because you've never been told otherwise."
"That doesn't mean I want you to lie to me though—tell me that everything is fine when it's not."
He just nodded which made me frown.
"You still haven't spoken a lot about the night your parents and brother were murdered."
"I'm still trying to avoid it at all cost. Does really remembering every little detail help? How can it?"
"I don't know. But it helped me."
"You spoke to Jerry about the times you were abused?"
He nodded, "And like you, I thought it was all a crock of shit. That I could deal with it myself. I never did thank your dad for hiring Jerry for me. I know even now, Jerry helps the guys at Delta more than he could ever know."
I smiled. "I'm sure my dad knew how grateful you were to him."
I sat silent for a while after, trying to push past walls I'd created in my head to the one place I never wished to revisit.
"My brother," I barely said the words before I started to break down.
"My brother was crying." I wiped at my face. "It was the first time I'd ever seen him crying and he'd managed to pull the gag from his mouth."
I closed my eyes, remembering what he'd said to me.
"Stay strong, Eves. I love you."
I had to swallow a hard lump in my throat as I shifted in my seat.
"Eves," Kit said from across the table and I looked at him.
“I couldn't watch them being shot.” I began crying again as guilt riddled my body. “I looked away like a coward.”
Despite how much I was crying, I couldn't stop myself from thinking. From feeling. Like a locked vault had just been open, my emotions had devoured all of my memories, bringing everything to the forefront of my mind.
“I can still hear those three gunshots ringing in my ears. The screams… Then seeing their bodies on the floor. Blood… There was so much blood and they just dragged them away like they were nothing.”
I shifted in my seat, sobbing and feeling sick from the horrific memories in my head.
“Jesus, Eves, you were never a coward. The ones that murdered your family, they were cowards. Look at me, do you understand that?”
I did my best to look at him through my blurred vision, from what I could see, Kit's eyes were glazed and I sniffled whilst wiping at my face.
"They’d thank you for saving me," I said nodding. "My brother wanted me to live and so did my parents. Instead of living for them I did the opposite and I hate myself for it."
"Baby, you were just grieving. How could you expect anything else from yourself after what you’d been through?"
I nodded, still feeling the guilt nonetheless.
