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I know what it’s like to feel unwanted. Just not by my own mother.
“I’ve always questioned whether I have some sort of ‘nuke it all’ button inside of me. That if I became a mother would I feel the same need to destroy everything the way mine did.”
I shake my head, still holding back my words.
Let her talk, Orlie.
“But I had Dad and Dana. And I’ve seen all my sisters become mothers in their own right. Amazing mothers. Loving and hardworking. Willing to give everything to their babies and…” She clutches her stomach and smiles, though tears glimmer in her eyes. “If I’m anything like them, I think I can give this baby a good life.”
“I know you can.” It just slips out, but I can’t help it.
Kira doesn’t admonish me. Instead, she looks at me and smiles. “Thank you.”
I shift ever so slightly toward her. “You don’t…have to do it alone, Kira. I’m – I’m here.”
Her smile falls. “Two months, Orlie.”
“I know.”
“I haven’t seen you in two months.”
“I know.”
“Haven’t talked to you in two months.”
I sigh. “I know, I’m not –”
“You accused me of trying to entrap you into a pregnancy that wasn’t yours. Implied I was a –”
“And I’m so sorry for that, Kira. I’m so deeply sorry. Please forgive me.” I won’t be able to stand to hear one of those dirty words come out of her mouth. One that would imply she was the type of woman to sleep around, not care about the emotions or the consequences. Which is any woman’s right, but…she was coming to me with her whole heart on the line. And I rebuked her.
Whatever ill emotions she might be feeling for me have dissipated. There is a smallness to her expression. I want to capture her in my arms and hold her tight, make her feel safe in her smallness.
“I can’t just blindly trust you, Orlie.”
“Of course not. I won’t ask that of you.” I am quiet for a moment. “Can I take your hands?”
Kira shrugs. “Sure.”
Again, I get to feel her touch. Warm and electric. I’ve missed it so much, even in the few minutes her hands have been gone for mine. “I’ve always thought your hands looked so perfect in mine. Like our palms were made to fit together.”
Shit, did I say that out loud?
“That’s sweet,” Kira says.
I breathe a sigh of relief and draw her hands toward my chest. “I’m willing to work to prove that you can trust me. I understand it won’t be easy. I get that it will take time. But I want to be a part of my baby’s life.”
“We can arrange that,” she says. “I’d hate for him or her to grow up without a father. It means a lot that you want to make this work.”
“More than that. I…”
Out with it, Orlie. You can’t hold it in a second longer.
“I want to be a part of your life. I want to be by your side. And take care of you. And be your first and your last. And love you.”
There it is. That ‘L’ word.
“Because I…I love you, Kira.”
