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With each rep, images of Posey filled my mind. Her laughing. Her crying. The soft sounds she made when we fucked. The feel of her hair fanned out across my chest. Her body snuggled up to mine. The anger and disbelief in her eyes when she learned the truth. Her staring at me with such accusation in her demeanor. I slammed the weighted bar back into the rack and sat up, panting for breath.
I was trying to forget. Not relive the worst moment in my life. She’d been right about everything. Maybe I was a selfish bastard for wanting to raise a kid who didn’t belong to me. Perhaps I had a savior complex. Or a guilty conscious. I’d done everything in my power to help save Hope and put her on a better path to a more fulfilling life. Her choices were hers to make. They had nothing to do with me. Subconsciously, I understand every bit of that, but in my gut and heart, I blamed myself for not trying harder. For not pushing Hope until the very last minute.
When Posey handed me Destiny, I saw the little girl as an opportunity to give her what her mother couldn’t. A good life, safe from bad people. However, wasn’t I a bad person too? As much as the PI had been looking for Hope’s family, I hadn’t prodded into Pedro’s. The idea of Destiny going to some asshole’s parents or siblings after everything we knew about Pedro made my stomach hurt.
My thoughts continued to circle as I laid back down and began again. The strain and pull of muscles not used in a while drew my attention away from my thoughts. I focused on the burn, allowing everything else to disappear, even for a few brief minutes.
I didn’t have any music on. The silence helped calm my mind as I adjusted the weight every couple of sets until I was back to my normal lifting range. Each rep pushed me farther away from the doom and gloom of real life. I expected a phone call from CPS looking for a DNA test and a hearing, yet nothing. As I continued to lift, those worries didn’t stay in the forefront of my mind. I blanked out, instead counting to ten repeatedly until I didn’t think I could move, let alone do another set.
Even as my arms trembled and the burn raced up my arms and into my shoulders, then across my chest, I didn’t stop. It was better to feel the pain than accept the guilt of what I’d done. I should have told Posey from the beginning. I wish someone would have told her. If Cobi had, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we’d be free of the constraints of an undercover operation. I snorted as I lowered the bar for another rep. Who was I kidding? Cobi had been very specific about the instructions. No one could know. Not until everything was over and they had their man. Or in this case, men.
Yet, even when the car theft ring collapsed, Pedro and Hope had been on the run. The remaining two who knew what happened and could squeal. For all we knew, they had a big ol target had been painted on all our backs. I didn’t tell Posey for a reason. Protecting her and Destiny had been my sole focus.
Sure didn’t feel like I’d protected anyone, though. I felt like I led them to the gates of hell. I dropped bombs on an unsuspecting Posey, while also trying to keep her from being hit. Every move I made put her in danger and continued to push a false narrative. Now, she hated me, and I couldn’t blame her. Who could in our situation?
“Hey! Hey,” Landon barked, grabbing the bar off my chest. I hadn’t even realized I couldn’t push it back up. “What the fuck are you doing, Hunter?” He racked the weights, glaring at me as if I’d kicked him when he was down.
“Working out,” I said, my breath coming a little faster than I expected. “Why?”
“Destiny was crying when I got here,” he said, crowding me. “I changed her diaper and gave her a bottle. You’re welcome.”
Shit. Had I spaced that badly I never heard Destiny cry? I ran a hand over my face, then frowned when it came back covered in sweat. “Sorry, man.”
Landon pulled a face. The disgust and disapproval there was like being mule kicked in the gut. “Sorry? What the fuck is going on, Hunter?”
“It’s nothing. I got stuck in my head is all,” I replied, waving him off. “A lot has been going on is all.”
“Do you have to go back to court?” Landon pressed, worry creasing his brow.
“Probably, but not for the case.” I glanced up at him. “You can say I told you so now.”
Landon huffed out a breath. “Don’t want to. That’s gloating and right now, you need someone to talk to.” He lifted his chin toward the stairs. “Come on, let’s grab a beer and turn on the game. You can tell me all about it while we watch the Titans kick the Patriots’ ass.”
I followed my brother up the stairs at a sedate pace, still weak from overworking my body. I was going to feel all my stupidity in the morning. Sitting on the couch while Landon went to the kitchen, I flipped on the game and spied a glance at Destiny, who played in her little area.
Fuck... I didn’t want to lose her now. Not after everything we’d been through. Which. “her and I,” I was talking about, hadn’t mattered. Both Posey and Destiny were the only good things going for me. Taking both away would kill me.
A knock came at the door and Landon grabbed it. When he came back to the living room, he had two pizzas and a six-pack of beer.Bro day.He sat beside me, then twisted the cap off the beer before handing me the bottle. I don’t know how long we sat there stuffing our face and drinking beer, but by the time Landon sat back with a groan, I was ready to talk.
“So, you fucked up,” Landon said.
“Yep.”
“The infallible Hunter Banks screwed the pooch.” He sighed, shaking his head. “Doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would.”
Confused, I snapped my attention to him. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means you were always the one who could do no wrong,” he stated. “You told us, me and Jackson, what to do or not do so many times. It was like you’d never fall from the pedestal you were on. Now you have. I thought this would taste better to me, but it’s bitter.”
“I flew too close to the sun,” I said. “I thought I was doing everything right and then I fucked up. Maybe I wanted to get caught. You know, subconsciously. If I got caught, I didn’t have to keep secrets.”
“Well, you were under obligation from the state and federal agencies. What I don’t understand is why didn’t Cobi tell Posey about Destiny’s parents. Am I missing something?” Landon took a drink from his bottle as Michael Badgley came out on the field for a field goal attempt.
“She knew they were connected. Had to because of the situation, but Hope put me down as the father so Cobi could have told her it was official business until he was blue in the face, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. By law, I’m Destiny’s father. Biologically, I’m nothing more than a name on a piece of paper.” The ball sailed through the upright and the Titans were on their way. “I was selfish.”
“I won’t dogpile on your guilt,” Landon said. “You realize what you’ve done wrong, so how are you going to fix it?”
“Can’t. I sent Posey a couple of text messages. Explained everything and what I’d do to make the situation right for Destiny. I’ve been searching for her family from the beginning. The PI has just about exhausted all his avenues to find someone for Destiny. Now it’s time for me to live with the consequences of not being honest.”
