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Lee woke up alone.
The pillow was dented on Alex’s side of the bed, but Alex himself was nowhere to be seen, the room silent. He’d never slipped out without a word before. Something ugly unfurled in Lee’s stomach that wasn’t quite dread, wasn’t quite anger. Disappointment maybe or betrayal, a heavy sense ofI fucking trusted you—Brandon all over again, deciding that he couldn’t hack a nutjob girlfriend, shame about the children.
Lee rolled out of bed and stood in the middle of the room until it stopped spinning around him. Then he got dressed and went to brush his teeth against the bitter taste of bile, pushing away the memory of last night, of telling Alex—
Fuck.
When he heard the door open, Lee set his toothbrush aside and sucked in a shaky breath, avoiding his own eyes in the mirror as he fought the panic flooding his system.
He’d always expected Alex to walk away.
It was a fool’s hope that had prompted Lee to speak up last night, and now he’d pay the price. If he couldn’t protect his heart, though, he would at least protect his dignity. He’d be protecting Alex too, saving him from the awkward knowledge that Lee wanted more than Alex was willing to give—something that could also translate into tension on the pitch when they needed to put the team first.
The smile refused to sit quite right on Lee’s face, but it was the best he could do. He focused on the effort needed to maintain it rather than the weight in his chest as he left the bathroom and found Alex by the door, toeing off his trainers. Alex quickly rose to his feet and faced Lee, shoulders straight, his expression conveying a steady kind of resolve that his smile couldn’t fully mask. “Hey. Sorry you woke up alone.”
“No worries.” Lee leaned against the wall next to the bathroom and crossed his legs at the ankle. “Listen, about last night—now that I’m awake, I realise that maybe that came across the wrong way.”
Alex’s brows drew together, his tone careful. “What do you mean?”
“Like, when I said I don’t want this thing with us to end?”Smile.Fucking smile.“I didn’t mean that I’m falling in love with you or anything. Just … I don’t get that many chances to safely fool around with a bloke, now do I? And same for you, of course.”
Three seconds of silence that Lee felt acutely, the room tilting slightly on its axis. Then Alex shook his head. “I don’t believe you.”
Lee felt his smile drop, the careful hold he’d had on his expression slipping for perhaps just a blink of an eye before he clawed back control. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t believe you,” Alex repeated, much more confidently now, and why was he fighting the easy way out that Lee offered? It could be their implicit little deal, a mutually beneficial agreement to pretend that Alex believed Lee, staving off any awkwardness and giving Lee a chance to nurture his bruises in peace.
So why didn’t Alex give him that much, at least?
Lee couldn’t look at Alex anymore. He pushed away from the wall and sat down on the edge of his bed—the one they’d shared last night and the nights before, so maybe it had become their bed, just a little, and—and Alex didn’t believe him. It didn’t makesense, not after Alex had slipped out this morning. Did it?
“Why don’t you believe me?” Lee asked quietly.
“Because it doesn’t make sense,” Alex said, just as quietly. He took half a step closer, then halted. “I think you’re lying.”
“Well.” Lee’s chuckle turned out watery, and he dropped his head. “Screw you, then.”
Alex took another step closer. “Historically speaking, you seem to have a habit of jumping to conclusions.”
Lee shook his head but stayed quiet, head ducked so Alex wouldn’t see his face.
“Also…” And now Alex’s voice was tinged with a hint of warmth. “I really very muchwantyou to be lying about how you didn’t mean what you said.”
“You want—” Lee looked up sharply, and Alex was smiling at him, this small, tentative thingthat grew the moment their eyes met. “But youleft,” Lee said, and he hated how helpless he sounded, how needy, when he’d learned early on that he was better off relying on only himself.
“I did, yeah. For a chat with Jeff.”
“So you didn’t freak out?”
“No, I did, just a bit.” Alex perched at the bottom of the mattress, watching Lee for a moment before he continued. “It’s scary when you realise your whole life’s about to change, you know? Even if it’s for the better.”
Alex’s whole life?
Lee frowned. “What do you mean? I didn’t ask for, like… I don’t know—your hand in marriage and your father’s blessing. Oh, and a unicorn, while we’re at it.”
“Yeah, I know. But when you said that you don’t want this to end…” Alex shuffled up the bed and touched Lee’s wrist. “When you said that you don’t wantusto end—up until now, I always assumed we had to because that’s just the way it is. And then, when I woke up this morning, I realised that it’s up to me.” His smile brought out a lone dimple. “Well, to us, obviously. But I realised that I don’t haveto blindly follow a certain path just because my parents paved it before I was even born, guardrails and all.”
It hurt, how much Lee wanted him. He exhaled through it, staring at Alex’s fingers that were still loosely clasped around his wrist. “What exactly are you saying?”
