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The ride up to our suite was a long one, though. Tanner moved to my side, wrapping his arm around me. The pair of us leaned against the back of the car, neither of us really as awake as we wanted. Then again, it had been a long night.
"You going to be ok for this?" I asked, looking up at him.
The way he smiled at me made me want to lean in a little more. "I'm good," he promised. "A little coffee will make me great, and once the adrenaline hits, it won't matter how much sleep I got."
"Good," I said. "I think I'm going to need a lot of coffee, because I have a lot longer before my excitement starts."
He tipped his head, looking down into my face. "Cody, is your head going to be in the game?"
"I think so..."
"Because I don't want you to get hurt," Tanner went on. "I know how scared I was when J.D. didn't get up, and if the same happens to you?"
"I'll get up," I assured him.
He just clenched his jaw. "That's not what I mean. I don't want to see you hurt."
"Everyone gets hurt," I reminded him. "It's just a matter of when."
"But if your brain is back there in J.D.'s hospital room, that isn't helping any of us. I'd rather you scratched for the day."
Something about the way he said that - mostly the honest worry in his words - hit me hard. Probably not in the way he wanted, though. Instead of considering it, I wanted to double down. I wanted to pull a "hold my beer" moment.
Mostly, it was because of the judges. They kept scoring me low. They were trying to make sure I didn't have a chance. If I took a day off because myfriendgot hurt, they'd be convinced I was too weak to do this.
But it wasn't just that. It was also the sponsors. All the companies that had wanted to talk to me and then suddenly weren't sure if I was a good risk. I knew PBR sponsorships converted better to sales than any other sport - J.D. had explained it all on the long drives we'd had - but they still weren't willing to take a risk on me.
Then there was Austin. Just the fact he'd stepped up in the middle of the lobby annoyed me. What he'd said to Tanner? The way he'd called J.D. my boyfriend - or Tanner's, I wasn't quite sure - meant I couldn't back down.
They were all waiting for me to crack. They were stuck thinking I was the weak one here, not caring that I hadn't been the one hurt. The fact that I gave a damn about my "mentor" wasn't a good thing in their books.
If I wanted to keep up with the cowboys around me, I was supposed to be heartless, stubborn, and act like an asshole. To prove I was "man enough," I had to wall off my feelings, let the world think I was just in this for the fame, the money, or whatever else the viewers wanted. They wanted me to be tough, but they forgot I could be a woman at the same time.
So I stood a little straighter, smiled at my boyfriend a little more, and made my decision. Then and there, with the elevator dinging to announce our arrival at our floor, I knew I wouldn't get any forgiveness from anyone but Tanner and J.D. I couldn't make an excuse. I couldn't slack off. I didn't get the luxury of thinking about anything else.
If I wanted to do this, then I had to be all-in. I had to convince the entire PBR, from the announcers and judges to the cowboys I competed against, all the way down to the viewers watching, that I was the real deal. Ineededto make sure I had my head on straight, because ifIgot hurt and had to take time off, the only thing I'd hear was how weak I was. How I needed to quit now, before I got hurt worse. How women couldn't ride bulls.
"I'm riding," I told Tanner as I stepped into the hall and headed for our room. "I have to."
"But are you going to be ok?" he asked.
I just nodded. "I'll make sure of it."
"Ok." He moved around me to unlock the door of our suite. "And I get it, Cody. Just let me know if we need to close in, ok?"
I walked into our room, aware of the mess we'd left behind - and the maid's best attempts to clean it up. The scattered clothing was now in a pile. A card for laundry services had been left on the bedside table. Still, my bag was over there, the top unzipped, and my show shirt was hanging halfway out.
"I need a real big coffee," I told him, "a bit of faith, and someone to impress."
"Your dad's here," he reminded me. "He's going to be watching."
"This time," I said, closing the distance between us, "I think the person is going to be you."
He caught me by the waist, holding me out at arm's length. "Me?"
I nodded. "The judges aren't going to give me the scores. The sponsors aren't going to make me the offers. J.D. and Daddy won't be here to watch, because that's my kind of luck. So I'm going to impress you, Tanner."
He eased me closer, the look in his eyes softening. "Cody, you've already impressed me."
