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Anna
I’m not sure where it all went wrong, I think to myself. While sitting here at the small bistro table, sipping on a cup of coffee, it’s an early spring day, but the sun is shining. It’s the perfect day for a light sweater.
I can’t help but feel a wave of sadness wash over me as I reflect on my life with Greyson. I can’t believe I’m waiting for my attorney.
We’ve been together for over twenty years now. And yet, something feels off. And it has for a while, and now that our two kids are all grown, our youngest just left for college this past fall, leaving him and me alone.
It’s a strange feeling, this empty nest thing. It seems to be even quieter. With how things are with Grey and me right now, it seems to amplify the silence. Maybe that’s why things are so strained. There’s no buffer anymore, but it’s more than just that. I do know that I can’t keep going on like this. Something has to give.
If I’m being honest, our problems started way before the kids left. I can’t pinpoint when, but we used to be so in touch with one another. We couldn’t wait to see each other. And couldn’t stand to be apart for more than a couple of days. But that’s not the case. Not anymore.
Things have taken a hit, like my confidence, for one. I’m simply not myself anymore. I remember when I would put onsomething sexy under my robe, the one I like to wear while I do my nighttime routine and settle into bed at night. I love the way he made me feel when I would get up from my reading chair to take it off to turn the lights off.
With deliberate slowness, I would slide it off. His heated gaze fixated solely on me. I refused to face him, feigning indifference as if this were an ordinary night. But despite my nonchalance, I could sense the intensity of his stare, a searing heat that engulfed my entire being.
I dropped one shoulder, then the other, until the garment cascaded down my body, pooling at my feet. Turning around, I found myself lost in his piercing ice-blue eyes, which seemed to vary in shades of blue with each passing day. I waited for his command, knowing how much he relished in telling me what to do. As we intertwined, our surroundings would fade into nothing. Leaving only the intense connection between us.
I wipe a stray tear with the pad of my finger. I can’t even remember the last time I felt sexy enough to do something like that. Let alone the last time he looked at me like he would devour me. But the lack of sex isn’t the only issue, or even the biggest; granted, it brought up a lot of negative thoughts and insecurities. The usual “Is there someone else?” “Am I not attractive enough?” and, worst of all, “Am I not good enough for him?”
The distance between us seems to grow every day. We don’t go up to bed at the same time anymore, and most mornings, he’s not even in bed when I wake up. On more than one occasion, I woke in the middle of the night, missing his warmth, only to get up in search of him. I was shocked the first few times when I found him asleep in another room. I guess he didn’t want to share a bed with me anymore.
As I sip my coffee, I try to clear my head of the negative thoughts that keep spiraling out of control. I catch a glimpseof the attorney I’m scheduled to meet. It’s a brief moment, but enough that I need to take a deep breath and compose myself for the impending conversation.
The gravity of the situation is not lost on me, my mind races with all the potential outcomes and consequences. But I steel myself for the tough conversation ahead, determined to see it through. I shake my head, as if the act would physically clear my head of those negative thoughts that always seem to spin out of control, just in time to see the attorney I’m meeting with cross the street.
Just enough time to compose myself for the topic ahead: asking my husband for a divorce. I stand as the lawyer comes to my table, and I reach to shake his hand.
“You must be Mrs. Edwards; I am Mr. Davis. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I shake his hand and nod in response.
“It’s nice to meet you too; please have a seat.” I gesture to the empty seat at the table. He sets his briefcase down and unbuttons his light pink blazer. On most, it would look silly, but against his olive skin tone, with his sandy blonde hair tied in a knot at the base of his head, the crisp white shirt, and navy slacks, it just works for him.
Once he’s seated, the waitress comes by to see if we need anything, Mr. Davis places his order, and I just ask for another coffee with coconut milk creamer. Not that I need more caffeine, I can’t stop the bounce of my knee under the table or the shake of my hands.
I tried to conceal my nerves by placing my hands in my lap, only to reach out for my now cold coffee, taking a sip with trembling hands before sitting it back on the table. If he notices my discomfort he doesn’t let on, instead he picks up his briefcase, opens it, and takes out a notebook. Next, he takes the pen out of the holder at the top of the pages.
He then sits back, and as he flips the front of the notebook to the back, he brings one ankle up and rests it on the other knee, then braces the notebook on his leg. “Mrs. Edwards, my secretary tells me that you aren’t one hundred percent sure you want a divorce. Is that correct?”
I simply don’t know. “That is correct, Mr. Davis.” He holds up a hand with a small smile on his face and says, “Please call me Robert; Mr. Davis is my father.” I manage a polite smile. “Okay, Robert. Yes, that is correct. My marriage has not been great, and I am simply exploring my options.”
“I understand, Mrs. Edwards, that is exactly what this consultation will do. Now I must know, do you and your husband have children?” I’m slightly taken aback by his directness. But I answer all the same.
“We do, two, but both are off in college now. So there won’t be the need for a custody battle.” He simply nods as he takes notes.
“Are there any additional properties or land that may need to be divided?” He asks as the waitress appears with our drinks and his scone.
“There’s just the lake house, but it’s my parents. They have a will set up, and it’s meant to go to both him and myself. But if I go through with the divorce, they will amend the will. So that’s not an issue either.” He takes a sip of his coffee as he continues with his notes.
“Are you interested in getting alimony?” I stare at him. My nerves are rising with each question, and with them my composer starts to slip. With all the time I have spent preparing myself for this meeting this past week, it never crossed my mind to demand that he pay me monthly payments.
“No, not at all. I have a great job, and so does he. If I decide to do this, I want it to be civil. I don’t want our children to feel like they have to choose sides. I just want to be prepared forthe worst. I am hoping that after tonight when I tell him about this meeting, I can come to a decision. But a small part of me suspects he’s having an affair. So this is just a precautionary meeting.” I say.
“That makes sense; we can work at your pace. Is there anything specific you’d like to try to fight for?” A pain shoots through my heart, my hand raises and rubs the place above my heart. My eyes sting, I try to swallow back the tears. This is really where we are in our lives right now.
“I… I don’t know. I never thought about that.” I start to spin. How can I decide what to keep and what to let go? Twenty years worth of memories, the only thing I know for sure I want to keep, something I seem to have lost a long time ago, and that is myself.
“I’m sorry; excuse me. I just need a minute.” I stand, grab my purse, and head straight for the restrooms. I make my way through the crowded coffee shop, the smell of coffee wafts around me as I pass the counter, keeping my head down to conceal the tears in my eyes.
Once I am in the bathroom and have the door locked, I stand over the sink and look in the mirror. Sure I have the same long brown hair, and brown eyes, but I hardly recognize myself anymore. I’m not happy in my marriage, yet I don’t think I am ready to completely walk away, but at the same time, how can I hang on if I’m the only one trying? Ever since I was fifteen, Greyson has been by my side. I could always count on him. But now the only thing I feel will help will be space from him. Maybe I just need time to figure things out.
