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I remember after Henry was born, I was so insecure about the changes my body went through, and I opened up to Grey one night, telling him all the things I didn’t like about my body. From the cellulite to the stretch marks, hell even the size of my breasts I also remember how he made love to me that night.
Whispering sweet nothings into my ear, telling me that everything I dislike about my body is the thing he finds most alluring. How it often turned him on seeing my stretch marks during pregnancy, knowing that he was the reason for the baby growing inside my belly. And the lingering stretch marks were just a reminder of my strength and the family I blessed him with.
That night, he showed me just how alluring he found my body three different times. And twice with his tongue. And for a while after, he made sure to show me just how much he wanted me, and then things got in the way again.
And those days have long since passed; I can’t remember the last time he made love to me to prove a point. Well, besides last night.
I know I haven’t tried, but it’s so hard to want to when you don’t like what you see when you look in the mirror. I wish Icould be happy with what I see and find the confidence I once had. No matter how much I would diet and work out, I would hit a plateau and I wouldn’t lose anymore, so I’d skimp on my diet here and there until I stopped completely. It was a vicious cycle.
Sighing I take out my phone, open my photo gallery, and pull up the album labeled ‘Us’. I start to scroll through the pictures, and I notice that I don’t have any new pictures of us, but that’s not surprising, given how things have been lately.
I used to take pictures of us all of the time, especially when he was driving. I loved to sneak a picture when he wasn’t paying attention and was just focused on the road. I have so many of those, some with the kids in the back seat. Others are of us at home or the park watching the kids.
One of my favorites is of him and Sasha lying in the grass at the park, with their arms crossed behind their heads and looking at each other. She was probably five in this picture; he has always been such an amazing father.
I stop scrolling on a picture of him with his arm around my shoulder and his other hand holding the phone out for the picture. I have my arms wrapped around him, and I am looking up at him. He’s looking at the camera with his mouth agape, almost like he’s surprised. I had asked him to take this picture with me because I was going out of town and I wanted a new picture for my screen saver. The memory makes me smile. He never really liked to get his picture taken, but he never minded when I took one.
I scroll some more and see one that makes my cheeks heat. I had forgotten I had this picture; it was from one of the first nights away from the kids that we had. We had been invited to his brother’s wedding, and they had a destination wedding. And because it was a destination, they had asked that no kids attend, so my parents watched them.
We had so much fun at that wedding, and too much to drink. We ended up on the beach, where we skinny-dipped and made love on the beach until the sun came up. Greyson told me how beautiful the sunrise looked behind me and had taken a picture of me, just as a couple walking their dog came by and asked if we wanted our picture taken.
My hair was a mess from the sand, the water, and the wind, but the natural waves made it not too terrible.
I have my dress from the wedding on, a simple dark red floor-length gown with a sweetheart neckline. And I had Greyson’s light gray suit jacket on over it. He had his white button-down shirt untucked from his gray slacks, and the red tie was undone around his neck.
He had used it on me not long before this picture was taken. His hair looked like it was styled messy, but I knew it was from me running my finger through it repeatedly throughout the night. My black heels dangled from his finger, while the other hand was wrapped around my waist. I was looking at the camera, laughing at something he had said, while he looked down at me with a soft smile on his face.
My train of thought is interrupted when Dr. Parker comes out and calls us back into her office. Grey stands first; he turns and looks at me, then holds out his hand. A small gesture, I don’t think he realizes how much it means to me. I take a steadying breath and place my hand in his as I stand. and we enter her office hand in hand, united in a way we haven’t been in a long time.
We reenter the office, take a seat together, and she begins, “Before I tell you what I am now almost certain will work, I will now say one thing the other has said, and then I will let the one who said it elaborate.” She looks between us and nods once. “The one who is listening will do just that. This is not a debate; there are no wrong things to say. This is about making your feelingsclear to your partner. Mr. Edwards, I’ll have you begin.” She looks at me, then to Grey, and then down at her notes and says, “Vacation.” Shock fills me; I was not expecting that.
Greyson
While we were in the waiting room, I looked over at Anna, and she was looking through old pictures of us. To this day, my favorite picture of her is that day on the beach.
She had been so anxious to leave the kids for the first time, and throughout the evening she kept checking her phone. She also stepped out three times during the reception to call her mom to check on them. We had decided to take a walk on the beach, and while we were walking, her mom called and said the kids wouldn’t fall asleep until they talked to us. So we found a spot by the pier with some light, sat on a bench, and talked to the kids for a little bit.
When we were done, we walked down the beach. The moon was so full and big that it was easy to see that night. But man, that next morning she was stunning, and in that picture with her laughing, she looked so carefree. It was the first time I’d seen her like that since we left the house a few days prior.
When Dr. Parker begins to speak, I am pulled from my thoughts of that night and back to reality when she says, “Vacation.” As she starts her watch timer, I am shocked. So much so that it takes me a minute to think of what I want to say, but it doesn’t take long for me to know where to begin, so I angle myself more toward Anna and begin.
“Anna, I am so proud of how far you have come in your career since you discovered what you wanted to do.” I hesitate.“But one of the reasons I thought you may be having an affair was because every time I asked for us to go out of town for a long weekend or a family trip, or hell even just to have time off and with each other, you always said no.” I sigh, looking into her eyes.
“At first, I felt like you were a superhero, you know. Getting the internship, working so hard to move up, and still making time for the family,” I am rewarded with a small smile.
“Then as the kids got older, the more you immersed yourself in your work, and I sort of felt like I was left behind.” Her eyes widen at that; she looks so adorable like that, but the surprise quickly turns to guilt. I take her hand in mine and go on.
“I felt like I wasn’t as important, and I know what you’re thinking. ‘Why didn’t I say anything?’ Well, I didn’t because you were working so damn hard. And you seemed so happy and proud of your accomplishments; I couldn’t be the one to take that away from you.” One side of her mouth lifts to tell me that’s exactly what she was thinking.
“So I didn’t say anything. And eventually, it became the norm. And I kept telling myself that you were happy, and that was all that mattered. But I wasn’t happy. I started to feel like we were living two separate lives side by side.” I bring my other hand up, raking my fingers through my hair.
With a defeated sigh, “I realize that now. But I was able to focus on the kids. They were like a buffer; I could fill the void of not spending time with you by doing more with them. That’s why I volunteered to help with all the sports; it kept me busy.” Her grip tightened on my hand.
“And then our sex life took a hit. Trust me, this is not the reason why things started to get tough, but when you stopped trying, I eventually did too. I could slowly start to feel you weren’t responding anymore, and I started to feel inadequate. Like you didn’t want me anymore. It felt like you no longerneeded me, or relied on me the way I do with you. ” I looked away. It’s so hard to admit this to her.
“So, I guess I felt, if you wouldn’t try, why should I if I’m just going to get shot down anyway? I felt like we were growing apart, and in many ways we were. And at least if I didn’t try it wasn’t eating at me as to why you didn’t want me anymore.” I give a small shrug and push on.
“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” I turn to look into her big brown eyes. “I have never stopped wanting you. But I did stop trying. And I am sorry for that. I also know that after the kids left, we seemed to have just drifted apart even more. But when I started to feel that way, I had these thoughts. Sweet girl, these thoughts were not good.” I had gone into a dark head space for a while. “I felt like I failed you. I thought maybe since we’d been together since you were fifteen and only with each other you were getting tired of me. And needed to explore. Like maybe you were seeking someone who fit with who you had become, and not who you were.” At my admission, I look into her eyes to see the tears welling. But I continue.
