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But I never stopped wanting him. I stopped trying because I didn’t feel sexy anymore, but he always looked at me like I was everything and more. And he would come up behind me in the kitchen, much like he did today, and I would press my butt back against him. He’s an ass man, hands down; he was always looking and touching, I would just encourage him from there. I definitely wasn’t waiting for him at home naked anymore. But then one day he just stopped all the teasing touches, he stopped reaching for me when I crawled into bed; he just stopped.
He used to do sweet things too, stop on his way home and get me flowers, or surprise me with something I had been looking at in a store when we would go shopping for the kids. One timehe even had a new pair of diamond earrings sent to my work for our tenth anniversary. I have a feeling that was supposed to be a surprise later. But I thought he had forgotten that year, he used to make me breakfast in bed on our anniversaries.
But he didn’t, and that was because that year he planned a romantic evening just for the two of us at the lake house. Well us and the private chef he hired so we could just be with each other.
He was sent away before dinner was finished; it was in the oven, and we just had to pull it out when the timer buzzed. I almost smile at the memory; we got so lost in each other out on the deck that we didn’t hear the timer, only the smoke detectors.
That year was my favorite. We haven’t been lost in each other like that since. But all the little gifts and all the little things he used to do stopped. Like he can’t put forth the effort anymore. Like I’m not worth it anymore. That thought alone makes the next words come out of my mouth.
“My meeting was with a lawyer, a divorce lawyer. I can’t do this anymore, Greyson.” With those final words, I get up and rush up to the bedroom. Locking myself in the bathroom.
Wrapped in a towel, I run a bath and realize my robe is in the bedroom. Darting out, I grab it quickly and silently. I shut the door behind me as quietly as I could. I lean my back against the door and slide to the ground, bringing my knees to my chest.
The faint scent of Greyson’s shampoo and soap hangs in the air, and I remember when he switched. I was pregnant with Sasha, his old go-to soap, some generic store brand, was bothering me. He had bought five or six different ones to try, none of them worked; they all smelled so bad to my hormonal nose. So one day he took me to three different stores and had me find one I could stand. Being hormonal, the scent on him made him more irresistible; he never went back.
Tears start to fall faster. I need someone to talk to me, to tell me things will be okay, even if right now I don’t think they willbe. I grab my phone and call Sara. She picks up after a few rings, “Hey babe, what’s up?” When all I can muster is a sob, she knows something is wrong.
“Anna, what’s going on?” I take a breath to steady myself, and the events of the rest of the day rush out.
“And then I told him I can’t do this anymore. Sara, my marriage is over.” My chest constricts. I can’t sit still; I stand and pace the length of the bathroom. This is it, isn’t it? There is no going back now.
“That jerk! How could he accuse you of cheating? Does he not know how crazy you are about him? I should come over and kick his ass!” Sara says it angrily.
All of these years, down the drain, the last twenty years are gone. My best friend, my lover, and the father of my children will all be lost in one night. What will I do next? When should I call the lawyer back? Should I try to talk to Greyson before I do? I don’t want us to be over; is there any way we can come back from this? Is that something I can do? Is it even something he wants?
Oh god. What if he doesn’t want to try? What if he has feelings for this other woman?
Sara’s voice makes its way through the dark fog of my mind. “Anna? Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?” A bitter laugh breaks through.
“How could I possibly be okay? I’ve lost him, Sara.” How could I not have? I asked about the other woman and then told him about my meeting today, and when I ran off, he didn’t even follow me. Another sob escapes my throat, and I cover my mouth before another one can, too.
I don’t hear much of what Sara has to say after that; my mind drifts back to what the lawyer asked, what possessions would we want? I wouldn’t want the house; there are too many memories with him in it. But it’s also the house that our kids grew up in.
We moved in when Henry was nine, and Sasha was seven by then. I had been back to work for almost two years, so we were able to buy our first house faster than we thought we ever could. We had dove past this house several times, and one day it had a ‘For Sale’ sign in the yard, so we stopped by. We didn’t think we could afford it, but we tried anyway.
My mind is sucked back to his feelings for this other woman. Would he want to keep the house and have her move in with him? Looking back, I know we met when we were young and we never had time to explore anything with anyone else, for me, that never mattered because we loved each other, but now that that thought has entered my head, I can’t stop it.
What if it’s not just another woman, but multiple? Is this his midlife crisis? Is he exploring? If so, why didn’t he just tell me he wanted to? I would have been open to trying just about anything.
“Anna? Damn it! Tommy, I’m headed over to Anna’s. Yeah, tell Greyson… " The sound of her voice no longer makes its way through the fog of my mind.
All I can think about is, what if it wasn’t just one? I fall to my knees, sitting back on my heels, my phone forgotten. My hands come to my chest, and my heart hurts so bad.
I can no longer hold back the sobs, and the tears fall freely. My breath is ragged and short. I find some relief as I rock back and forth on my knees until the thought and image of him in bed with another woman crashes into my mind. It plays on repeat, and my vision becomes unfocused, and I stay there, rocking back and forth.
Greyson
This can’t be happening. She wants a divorce? I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose this woman. She is my everything, my best friend, my better half, my lover. I am frozen in place with shock, I hear the bedroom door slam upstairs, followed by the sound of the water running, she must be taking a bath.
I head out to the garage and then call Tommy, he and his wife are our best friends. He picks up after the second ring, “Man what the hell is going on over there? Anna called Sara in a panic. Sara is threatening to come over and rip you a new one, ranting about ‘how can he be so dumb?’” I run my hand over my face taking in a shaky breath.
“She accused me of having an affair, man. I blew up and threw my suspicion back in her face.” The realization I may lose my wife hits hard and I try to swallow back the tears. “She didn’t even deny it. She met with a divorce lawyer today, it’s over man. My marriage is over, I lost her.” I whisper the last part as tears start falling. I don’t care if it’s not ‘Manly’ to cry because I will over her.
“Man, that’s not good. Did you talk more about it? Did she file, or just consult one?” He questions
“What does it matter? If she met with one, she’s done.” More despair fills me, my heart cracking even more, my very foundation is crumbling. She is my everything.
“Listen, man, Sara just grabbed her bag. She said Anna needs her, I’m coming with her, okay, we may be able to help.” How could he possibly help me? My wife doesn’t want me anymore, she’s done. I don’t want this, but how can I convince her of that, and that I didn’t step out on her? And convince her that I want us, I want what we had. Sure we were young when we met, and when we’ve only ever been with, and known each other. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe she felt like she missed out, am I not pleasing her well enough? Or am I just not enough period?
