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“Oh, hell no. She’s perfect.”
“Yes, she is,” I agreed, overwhelmed by the well of emotion threatening to make me bawl like a baby. I didn’t realize how much I was hoping that he’d want to be in her life, especially when I thought it would be better if he weren’t.
Maybe I’d been afraid of his rejection, of how that might eventually hurt Victoria to risk his involvement.
Now, I could see the love in his eyes for the child he’d only just met and I knew he would keep his promises to her.
But what did that mean for me? Where did I fit in this equation? I was nothing but the co-legal guardian. If he chose to push it, he could have that arrangement dissolved and push for sole custody.
I chewed my bottom lip, hating that I had to worry about something like that. I couldn’t lose Victoria.
I had to know which way the wind was blowing in this instance.
“I guess we should talk about logistics,” I started, sitting across from them as I watched them interact as if they were a natural fit together. As if he’d held her in his arms from the moment she drew first breath. My eyes stung as I suffered the real fear of being replaced in her life.Calm down, the sky isn’t falling…yet.
He looked up, his gaze soft and melty. “She’s amazing.”
“No argument here,” I said, smiling. “So, what’s next? We could talk visitation, or um, whatever we need to work out to make this feasible for both of us.”
Reluctantly pulling himself away from the baby, he nodded. “First, I’ll need to have someone come and baby-proof the house and the pool deck. I’ll do that today. Then, I will need to have her birth certificate amended—“
“What? What do you mean? Amended?”
“I want her to have my last name, of course.”
I blinked. I hadn’t thought of that. “But she already has a last name — it’s Donnelly.”
“Yes, but that was before I was in the picture,” he answered as if that should be obvious.
But it wasn’t. “I think her name should remain the same as what Jessica wrote on her birth certificate,” I maintained.
He frowned. “Things have changed. She’s my daughter. I want her to have my name.”
Maybe it was the wrong hill to die on but I didn’t want to budge. “No. It should stay the same.”
Victoria, sensing the sudden shift in temperature between us, puckered up her lip and started to whimper. I started to reach for her but Victor beat me to it, scooping up Victoria and cradling her with soft, soothing words.
I sat back, my lip trembling. Was this how it started? Was this how I was replaced in her life? I rose and walked stiffly to the bathroom before the tears gave me away.
Of course, he had every right to change Victoria’s name to reflect her parentage but somehow it felt as if by removing Donnelly, that I was losing Jessica all over again. Maybe it was irrational but I couldn’t shake the feeling and it was devastating. My shoulders shook as silent tears of grief racked my body. I’d never truly cried hard or long enough over Jessica’s death and now wasn’t the appropriate time but they were coming anyway.
A soft knock at the door interrupted my sob-fest. “I’ll be out in a minute,” I tried saying but the words were stuck in my throat.
“Are you okay?” Victor asked, concern in his voice. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
He was a good man. All he was asking for was what any man would ask for in this situation but it hurt to the bone and I couldn’t explain my feelings to a man I barely knew.
But I had to try.
I opened the door, knowing I looked like I’d been dragged behind a bus with my puffy eyes and swollen, red nose but I didn’t care.
“I have so little of Jessica left. Victoria is all I have. Maybe her last name doesn’t represent everything that Jessica was but it feels like a part of her living on. I know it’s stupid but I can’t stop crying at the idea of Victoria losing that part of her mother. I’m sorry.”
Victor, holding his daughter in his arms, seemed struck by my explanation. “I don’t want Victoria to ever feel as if she’s not connected to her mother,” he said, shaking his head. “May I offer a compromise?”
I glanced up, unsure if I should dare to hope. “I’m listening.”
“I think Victoria Donnelly-Kirby has a far better ring than just Victoria Kirby. What do you think?”
