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"Lillith, open the door," he demands in a gruff tone.
"Go away," I yell at him through the closed door in a shaky voice, my chest rising and falling from running so fast. My lungs burn from the cold air.
"Shit, Lillith. Please, let me explain."
"There is nothing to explain. Now please. Just… leave me alone." My voice cracks at the last part. Rushing into the bathroom, I close and lock the door so I can remove my mask and no one will see or hear me cry.
I'm so fucking stupid.I fucked up.I look down at my unbuttoned pants and feel disgusted with myself. She saw me with them, and I don’t know what to do. I fix myself and walk into the dining room, looking at my smart watch to see the time, 7:45 p.m., and look at the plate of food placed on each end of the dining table.
"She waited for you." I turn to see Agnes walk in and give me a pointed look.
"I see that," I respond in a clipped voice.
"She didn't eat, waiting until you showed up, and then went looking for you."
Agnes has been here since my parents were alive and they brought her to live here from the mainland after I was born. She stayed on when her husband died of an illness they couldn't cure because they didn't make enough money for treatment. When my parents found out and offered to help, it was too late. He passed away from complications.
"She found me."
She nods, picking up Lillith's untouched plate and making me feel like a total ass. She didn't eat, and I don't think she will ever sit here and eat with me again. Why would she?
"You know, I thought she was mocking you by wearing that mask, but I figured out why she wears it. I understand now."
I bow my head, listening because Agnes has guided me after my parents’ accident. She has been a mother figure and has always had my best interest at heart. She sees things I don't, and when I start to derail and lose my head, she talks some sense into me. I don't feel like being scolded right now because I'm a grown-ass man at twenty-three, but I respect her.
"Miss Sinclair doesn't strike me as shallow compared to the people who inhabit this side of the world. I think she has lived in solidarity all her life with no one to count on or talk to. It seems like, in her mind, her face is a curse. Something she doesn't think is important because no one cares abouther. I'm not sure about her father or mother. But if her father sold her to a man she didn't choose, just so she could bear a man a child without caring how she felt about it. It's obvious she wears the mask to see how she would be treated without anyone seeing what she looks like, and you just proved to her the truth."
I don't understand what she means. Mask or no mask, what is the difference? Everyone knows that the offspring of the rich on this island are gifted with natural beauty from two parents with similar traits. I don't have to see that to know that she must be nice to look at. She gets a pass no matter what.
"I don't understand."
"Of course you don't, Killian. Because you haven’t taken the time to get to know her without seeing what is on the surface. The same way you want people to overlook how you look on the surface. She understands now that it doesn't matter. Mask or no mask, she will get treated the same way everyone has always treated her."
"Like what?"
"Like she's nothing." She straightens her hair, making sure her neat bun is still in place.
"What do I do, Agnes?"
How do I even get her to look at me now? I won't force her to sleep with me. I'm not that kind of man to force a woman to have sex with me. I may look like a monster, but I'm not that kind of monster.
"There is nothing you can do, Killian. You got what you wanted. You will soon have a wife that you won't feel bad about when she looks at you with indifference. You can continue to live happy with your friends like Blair and the other one–I can't quite remember her name." She waves her other hand, balancing the plates. "Either way, she knows what type of company you prefer rather than having to sit with her at dinner after you requested her to attend."
"Agnes?"
Is she mad at me on behalf of Lillith?
"Yes, Killian?"
"Are you mad at me?"
Agnes's eyes soften and give me a sad expression. "I'm not mad at you, Killian. I'm disappointed in how you treat a lady you plan on having a child with. I'm sure your mother would have to agree."
She just made me feel more like a piece of shit. I have treated her like crap since she arrived. I didn't even greet her or offer her anything. I let Agnes deal with her because I don’t want her to be repulsed that she’s marrying a man with half a face who wears a mask everywhere he goes.
I shouldn't feel bad because, in the end, beautiful or not, I have to continue the plan. I need to finish setting up the grid. Information that could save lives and provide ways to make it easier for people struggling on the mainland. The freedom to access information without it being controlled.
After crying for several hours, I sit in my room for the next three days, preferring to be served three meals a day like I'm locked in a cell.
