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I have no interest in seeing Killian.
He is no different from the men I have seen all my life except Ethan. I wish I could speak to him. He always treated me nice and with respect. He didn't give me butterflies in my stomach or an orgasm, but he tried. At times, I had to finish myself in the shower after he left. I didn't know why. I was coming into adulthood and felt like something was missing, but now I know what it was. Passion.
There is a knock on the door, and I make sure my mask is on before I pull it open. Agnes stands with a woman who is supposed to fit me for a dress so I can attend my dreadful wedding.
"Come in," I chirp.
"Miss Susan has taken the measurements already from your other clothes and would like you to pick a dress for tomorrow. Mr. Cross expects to see you downstairs in the living room, where he and the officiate can complete the ceremony."
"Thank you, Agnes."
Bastard doesn't have the balls to tell me himself. Coward.
I look down at the red and black lace gown of my wedding dress. He requested a light color, but I did the opposite. I wanted something dark just like the feeling in my chest. No veil. He can take off my mask if he wants to seal the deal.
The City of God has no room for religion, so there are no churches or religious practices, just a piece of paper you sign off like a piece of property. And that is what I am to him, a piece of property bought and kept in a room like an animal.
What I look like is of no consequence. It only means my genes get passed on to breed acceptable offspring so rich society can control the population. Perfect in looks and free from impurities.
I place the mask over my carefully applied makeup and straightened hair ending in a mass of chocolate waves.
Knock. Knock.
When I open the door, Agnes's gaze sweeps me from head to toe.
"He won't be pleased. He said a light color."
"Come now, Agnes, we don't believe in that stuff anymore. It's illegal. I'm not getting married under the eyes of the church like the old times, and we both know I’m not a virgin.”
The poor woman coughs like she is choking on a piece of food. “Miss Sinclair, I’m aware, but Mr. Cross will not be pleased. He hates to be undermined."He better get used to it."His request was a cream or light color for the dress. This is…black and red."
A smile tugs at my lips. "It's modern Gothic. A fave on the mainland I've heard. Isn't it spectacular? It's perfect. It goes with his mask," I explain. "He should be happy, and it shouldn't matter what I get married in anyway."
"Why do you say that?"
I close the door to my bedroom behind me and turn to face her. "Because I don't mean shit to a man like Killian Cross. I'm just here to breed like sheep."
I see her eyes lower, and I think for a second Agnes feels sorry for me, but the last thing I need is her pity.
When we reach the bottom step, I’m careful so I don't face-plant on the hard black tile. A man waits by the fireplace, followed by what appears to be a friend or someone close to Killian who I haven't met before. He doesn't look much older than Killian. When I looked up Killian Cross, trying to figure out how old he might be, it wasn't clear. They said his parents died in a car accident when he was twenty, so that would make him twenty-three to my nineteen years of age.
My heels are the only sound I hear when I cross the room. I can feel everyone's eyes on me, but the silence has me on edge. Especially Killian's eyes behind the mask. My skin grows hot, and I feel like I can't breathe in my dress. My breasts are pushed up from the bodice, and I mentally kick myself for not choosing the high-necked one. The last thing I need is for him to think I'm trying to look good for him. I tried that the other night, and it blew up in my face. I ended up crying, trying to convince myself he wasn't worth it.
All I knew was that he would never be that person for me. He hurt me, and I felt the sting. I realized that night that Killian Cross was a man who could destroy me.
Putting a wall up is my best defense, and I’ll ignore any kindness he bestows upon me as a threat. I will burn before letting it touch me.
She went against my request to wear a light color, but I expected it. My mother always talked about wearing a light color when you're to be married, and I wanted to continue her wish after she passed.
There is no point in getting upset or disappointed about it. There is no way Lillith would view me with respect. I deserve it, considering how I’ve treated her, and I don't expect her to forgive me.
It was hurtful and cruel. I chose to be with Blair and Sarah that night over her, and she witnessed it. I knew this was a doomed marriage to begin with. I convinced myself that Blair has been through a lot and is a friend I care about. I also have known her longer. It doesn't excuse what I did, but I wasn't married. I don't even know Lillith.
"Are you ready to begin?"
I look at the priest I smuggled in from the mainland to officiate the ceremony in secret. One for the island and one for the eyes of God. One thing Lillith can be assured of is that this is the only time I'll get married. She will be the only woman who would carry my name. She also doesn't know that Father Jennings is both a secret priest and an officiate from the house of judges.
"Do you agree, Killian Cross, to take Lillith Sinclair as your wedded wife under the law of the house of judges in health?"
