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"I'm going to head out. I'll meet you guys at the docks," Ciro says, walking ahead to the second boat.
My heart begins to beat wildly in my chest, hoping I can survive the fall. We are all just trying to chase our dreams and love. I'm hoping to get away from mine.
The boat pulls away from the dock. Blair, Sydney, and Sarah are already on board, giving me weird looks because I refuse to go inside. I look around to make sure I'm alone and then at the dark sea as the boat turns, heading toward the mainland.
I'm surprised Killian hasn't said anything about me staying outside. I grip my phone and lean over the black railing, letting it slip from deft fingers into the ocean as the boat cuts through the water.
I look up, and a shiver runs down my spine. Is the water cold, warm, or will it not matter because I won't make it to the surface? Maybe something waits for me down there, sealing my fate before I can wallow in the consequences of my decisions. All the what-ifs. But it’s not the what-ifs I'm concerned about. It's my future. My child's future. Its father has already made up his mind of what his consist of, and it doesn't include me in it.
I see it.
Every night he takes my body.
No love.
No hate.
Just purpose—his purpose.
I see the mainland come up on the horizon after staring at the water for the last hour and a half it takes to get there. Just a little closer.
I'm hoping the black skintight neoprene I'm wearing underneath keeps me warm enough.
A little closer, Killian. Come on.
The closer the boat gets, the seconds in my head tick by counting down the memories I have of Killian. Memories that I have to let go.
Tears slide down my cheeks as I grip the railing, feeling the metal underneath my hands.
One.
Two.
Three.
I'm sorry.
I jump.
The whoosh of cold water hits me like a thousand knives on my skin. The darkness grips me. The breath I'm holding so that my lungs don't seize as I try to stay afloat. The muscles in my arms and legs scream from my effort.
Goodbye, Killian.
There are spaces in your heart that open and close to love. You can hold on to it or let it go to make room for a new love. A love you never knew existed that came from within. A love that grew inside you like no other. An experience not everyone gets to enjoy.
It was the first time I realized what my mother truly lost. The love of her child. The true essence of beauty created from within. It’s what I see when I look at my four-year-old son, Niro.
"Can I have this one, Mom?"
I look at his beautiful aquamarine eyes and hair so dark, it's almost blue, holding up a mechanical droid. It's old, but he likes to try to fix it so the other kids can play with it.
I look up at the woman with dirt smudges on her face, trying to cover my face as much as I can by pulling the hood of my sweater over my asymmetrical short haircut so she doesn't get a good look at me. I stand out when I show my face and so does Niro. It is like they know we aren't supposed to be on the mainland.
"How much?" I ask her.
"0.000174."
Shit.
