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“Sure, tell Molls we missed her and that I got my old lady knocked up,” he says and does a fist pump. I laugh at his joy and make my way to hug Katie before I go.
As I drive home, the rain picks up and I see a few flashes of lightning and I realize that I want what Dirk and Katie have, I want that dream from so long ago. I want a family with Mollie so much that I pull over and send an email to my doctor to tell him I want to make an appointment to reverse my vasectomy.
By the time I get to our street the roads are flooding and the wind is picking up. When I park the truck in front of my house, there’s a loud pop from down the street as I see sparks and then the whole block goes dark.
CHAPTER 33
DECISIONS
MOLLIE NOW
Where do I go now? This house was supposed to be a safe haven to escape from the crap fest that is my life. I know, poor me stuck in a huge beach house, what a travesty. I’m so lucky to have somewhere to escape. Nat would remind me that there are no Olympic medals for suffering. Everyone is a loser.
Currently, I’m lying on the floor next to the couch. Do you ever feel like you don’t deserve the comfort that a couch or bed would offer? That’s me, pity party of one, down here on the rug. Ooh, this rug needs to be vacuumed.
I look around for my phone when I realize I left it in the car earlier when I was so excited to see Owen. Lifting my sad body from the floor, I go retrieve my phone and bag from the car and sit in my office which used to be my bedroom. The computer monitor is off and I read the post-it notes I’ve put up around it. There are some that are encouraging, like, ‘You can do it!’ or ‘Get off your phone and write!’ Then there are a few ideas, but the one that I can’t help but zero in on is the one Owen wrote the other day. ‘You are magic, meet me in 1965.’
The things I love about him are impossible to list, but a big one is how much he pays attention to me and what I say. Whether it was last week or all those summers ago, he knows what’s important to me because he listens. I cringe that he didn’t think the family dream was important to me. Maybe because I didn’t have kids with Steven and he didn’t know about my pregnancy woes until a few days ago.
Am I being unfair to put so much importance on having children? When I think about ending our relationship over it, I can barely breathe. The thought of trying to get pregnant again is exhausting and I don’t want sex with Owen to be a source of stress. Even if I do get pregnant, then there will be the worry that I’ll lose it.
Despite that, I still want it. I know I’ll be terrified and it will be hard, but I just want it, and I can’t explain to him why if he’s not open to it. It’s frustrating to keep going around and around in my head about this. I need help.
Me: Talk me off a ledge?
Nat: Babe, I’m here for you.
Nat: You are a fantastic person, creative, smart, bad-ass author, and hot as hell. Did that cover it?
Me: Kind of. Owen doesn’t want kids.
Nat: Like, deal-breaker no kids?
Me: Like, already snipped his wiener, deal broken
Nat: Yikes. Vasectomies are reversible.
Me: He is not interested.
Nat: Oh girl, I wish I could give you a baby. All babies deserve a mom like you. Unfortunately, I’m all outta sperm.
Me: I know, but I just got him back, and he’s it, my soulmate. Why doesn’t he want a child with me?
I’m crying as I type this out but I don’t want to turn this into a call because I won’t be able to hold it together.
Nat: So, what is your plan?
She knows I need to focus and I appreciate her asking me this.
Me: Sit here on my office floor praying for a quick and painless death?
Nat: NO! Bad Mollie! You get up and put on comfy clothes and go for a walk. Then make some tea and scream into a pillow. After that, masturbate to some male on male porn. Trust me.
Me: That does sound relaxing.
Nat: Sure is! Then you fire up that computer and write a scene where a dude named Owen gets decapitated and torched by a dragon.
Me: You were the exact right person to text about this ledge. I love you.
