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She nodded and set her purse on the coffee table. "Okay. I'll be right back."
Sophia made her way to the kitchen. I sat down on the sofa and watched her. The air between us felt weird. She was offering me a drink as though I was little more than a house guest. As though I didn't have the memory of her body etched into my brain.
She returned with a tall glass of water. She handed it to me and then took a seat beside me. We were silent for a moment. She tapped her fingers against the arm of the couch, and I drank my water.
"I wasn’t -"
"I thought -"
We spoke at the same time, and then paused. I let out a chuckle and gestured to her. "You go first."
"No, you."
"Really Sophia. You should go first."
"Okay." She took a deep breath with a nod. "I wasn't using you. It was never like that. I know that it must have seemed that way, but it's not what happened."
"After I caught Chris cheating on me, he said some really awful things. I was upset, sure, but I didn't think to myself at that moment, 'I'm gonna sleep with his brother as revenge.' Seeing you at that coffee shop was a coincidence. I noticed you, and a few seconds later, I realized who you were. I didn't get a chance to explain it to Izzy before she walked away to talk to you."
"At first, I just wanted to flirt with you and have a good time. Then, I found out you were my boss, and for a brief moment, I actually decided I was going to sleep with you to get back at Chris."
She placed her hand on top of my knee, a small smile on her face. "But then, I got to know you. I found out that you were more than just Chris's older brother. You were…" Her eyes met mine. "You are amazing. You're not part of some ploy, and you're not some pawn. You're Alexander. The man who has my heart. I'm sorry for making you feel like anything but."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. There's no excuse for it, I should have told you. I just didn't want to ruin what we had. I didn't want you to see me differently or anything. It was a stupid decision. You still would have found out, I guess I just wanted to push the discovery back for as long as possible."
"What about you? What were you going to say?"
I set the glass on the coffee table. "I thought a lot about what happened. The things Chris said. I was angry. I felt used. I wanted to smash something. I wanted to scream. But more than anything, I just wanted you. Which made me even angrier. I shouldn't have wanted you. I shouldn't be wanting you."
"You hurt me, Sophia. You made me feel like an idiot. Like all the time we spent together was just meaningless."
"I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention."
"I know. I know you didn't do it on purpose, I just…" I gazed down. "It hurt like nothing else ever has. When other people use me to get what they want, I don't care as much. I expect it. But with you, I opened up. I talked about things that I never had before. You made me feel safe. Hearing Chris say all that ripped my safety away. It made the ground slip out from under me, and it made me fall."
"I spent this whole week wanting you and then getting mad that I wanted you. I spent it craving for the scent of your perfume and the warmth of your skin no matter how hard I tried to forget it. Sophia, I can't get you out of my head. It's like you're ingrained there. I'm scared I'll get hurt again but I can't help it."
"I would never hurt you, Alex."
"You already did."
"Never again." Sophia moved closer to me and cupped my face. "I screwed up. I know I did and I'm sorry for hurting you." She leaned her forehead against my own. "But I meant what I said. You have my heart, Alex. I want to be with you. Please don't allow this one mistake to ruin what's between us."
I couldn't think properly. My mind was disquieted. There was a pounding in my ears, a storm in my chest, and fear in my heart, at the center of it all.
How was I supposed to be with the woman I loved when my heart was filled with so much panic? When I kept thinking of ways that our relationship could go wrong? What would I do if I got hurt again? What would happen if I hurt her?
How could I love in the presence of so much fear?
I looked back into her eyes. Wide and tearful. I could drown in those eyes, could sink into them, into her, and never come out of it. And be satisfied for as long as I stayed.
Maybe there was no answer. Maybe there was no definite or straightforward solution. Maybe all I had to do was trust in the face of anxiety.
Trust that we would be okay. Trust that we would figure it out. Trust that next time one of us hurt the other, we’d get through it. Together.
"I think we deserve a second chance. A chance to start over. To forget about Chris and everything that happened." I cleared my throat, moved out of her hold, and offered her my hand. "Hi, it's nice to meet you. My name is Alexander Haynes. I enjoy long walks on the beach and my favorite color is red."
