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16
KARTER. The fact I was driving the U-Haul van home from Dallas and it was empty of all my art should have made me happy. I was far from it. I had not heard a word from Jak in over two days. Nothing. My wallet filled with a forty-thousand-dollar check and my heart filled with pain, I merged the raggedy assed van onto I-35 North and pushed the gas pedal to the floor.
Painting and riding my motorcycle had become what I called my escape from reality. After having Jak in my life, I was able to describe them in a more accurate sense. They were an escape from me. In Jak’s presence, I was as close to normal as I suppose I could ever expect to be. In Jak’s absence, I was becoming a complete emotional wreck.
I was becoming myself.
As a child, and not having outlets for my discussing my fears or desires, I expressed myself in fits of rage. I often lashed out with cussing and screaming. The curse words became second nature, and as an adult my mouth was as foul as any man. My mother spent all of her time drinking, and she gave very little consideration to me as a child. When I wanted or needed something, I asked. When she didn’t respond or appear to care, I often cussed and screamed to get her to pay attention to me.
The attention rarely came.
I never quite understood what I may have done to deserve the treatment she gave me. For a mother to all but abandon her daughter mentally and emotionally was one thing. For her to not express any form of love was contrary to what I would have considered to be basic maternal instinct; and something which I found very difficult to accept. When I finally told her I wanted to seek emancipation through the courts, and that I intended to separate myself from her, a small part of me hoped she would oppose the idea.
In my mind, at least at the time, it was a last ditch effort on my part to give her an opportunity to try and make things right between us. She had no interest in doing so, and seemed relieved when I announced my eagerness to leave and begin a life on my own. Even as I explained I had no desire to ever see her or speak to her again, she seemed at peace with my decision.
Almost as if my leaving her was a relief.
I don’t miss her. Not even in the least. I had lived my life prior to leaving her alone, and my time away from her was no different. Since the age of sixteen, I had always believed I needed no one to assist me in my journey through the puzzle of life. Jak happening into my life changed my views entirely. Initially, I tried to be standoffish and rude. It lasted all of about an hour. Everything about him provided me with a level of warmth and comfort I never knew existed. I’m sure most women yearn for such a man. I had no idea such feelings existed, as I had never felt them, therefore the desire was never present for me.
Jak had brought so many new thoughts and feelings into my life. Experiencing them and having felt the love Jak filled me with now caused me to yearn for what I had grown accustomed to being provided.
Jak’s love.
I glanced at my hand as it rested atop the steering wheel. I tilted it toward me and smiled. The diamond glistened in the sun as the van shimmied down the rough Texas highway. I shifted my gaze to the seat beside me.
Empty.
For an instant I closed my eyes.
Without you Jak, I feel empty and alone.
