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"I screwed it all up, Colton, and now we will never be the same. How do we mend this?" She asks the question I don't know the answer to. I am torn between hating what she put me through and wanting to hold her forever. My brain is like a tipping scale, the balance never found, the two sides trading places on top.
"Can't we talk about this in a warm car or something? I'm freezing my nuts off out here so I know you must be cold." Anything to get her to move, to get her to safety, warmth. Anywhere else but here in this place.
"I'm not fucking cold. I'm sad.I'm not shivering. I'm sobbing inside and the last thing I want to do is go back and see everyone. All the questions and confused looks, I just can't deal with it all right now. This is the first time I have been back here since we split and I - I didn't expect to feel this way here. I feel like I'm in a screwed up time warp and all I want to do is go back there, to the happiest times we had. But instead I feel hollow and sad and I hate it."
This vulnerable side of Delaney is new and it hits me square in the chest. I pull her to her feet, letting her body brush against my chest.
"Your hands were here," I say, placing her frigid hands on my waist, and I shudder when the cold drills through my shirt to my skin. Placing one hand on her hip and the other on her cheek, I feel the dampness there from her tears and I wipe them away with my thumb. "And mine were here."
"You're too tall now, I can't reach you like I did before."
I bend my knees, hovering my head only just above hers.
And then her lips are on mine and we are back there. It's like the excitement of the first time is enhanced with everything we have been through. Her lips hesitate, like they want to turn and take it all back but I won't let her. I tighten my hand on her cheek, my fingers splaying onto the back of her neck and keeping our faces locked together. It's my tongue that ventures out first, the anticipation too much to bear. She whimpers as my soft tongue tickles against her lips. I swallow the noise down. I swallow it all down until all we are is two kids entangled in their second first kiss.
I bite her bottom lip softly, encouraging her to take more from me, to put down her walls and let go. Her nose is ice cold and it makes mejump when I feel it against my cheek as she takes our kiss deeper. But it's not enough for me to stop. I have wanted to kiss her again like this since the last day I got to, and it has been five years too fucking long.
After I have pulled every ounce of doubt from her, she pulls back, her fingers trailing against her lips and I already miss it. Where do we go from here? How do we walk out of this maze and into the maze that is the real world?
It won't matter as long as we are together.
I am still trying to convince my brain that my feet are on the ground when I pull out of the kiss with Colton. We crossed a line that I'm not sure we can ever come back from. It was one thing to be exes; it's quite another to have been involved recently. This place, this moment, being here with Colt - it was all too much to keep these emotions pushed down. And after what Ash said, it all came flooding in, no ark in sight to rescue me.
He wraps his hand around mine and I feel my skin thaw with his touch. We wander through the maze, him leading the way and me following without a second thought. Colt has never given me a reason not to follow him anywhere he wants to go. Anywhere he wants to take me. It's me who has betrayed that trust and it's on me to repair that bridge. And it starts tonight with that kiss we shared.
All that's left now is to confess, to put everything out there so that we can move forward. And if that means losing him for good this time, I will understand.
I see the exit come into view, a small light at the end of a corn maze tunnel. Once we leave this place, it's back to the complicated world we live in. We canleave our pain and secrets here, where a new path is forged every year, no two years ever being the same. This spot will never exist again and it is a perfect place to bury our past.
"Wait." I stop in my tracks and drop Colton's hand. I cross my arms across my chest to keep the warmth in, but also to hold myself together.
"What is it?" Colton moves until we are toe to toe and I am thankful for the darkness, the sight of the pain when I tell him the truth is going to destroy me.
"I was pregnant." It comes out in a rush, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I have never told anyone else, not even Bryn. It has been my secret and mine alone. My own personal burden to carry all these years.
"You what?"
"I was -" I start but Colton cuts me off.
"No, I heard that part. Why didn't you ever tell me?" It's dark but I can see his arms fly up into his hair, a normal fidget from Colton when he is nervous or processing things. After what feels like hours, he continues. "We did everything right, we were always careful."
"I found out a few weeks before Mom died. I was going to tell you but was waiting until I got confirmation from the doctor. They told me it was too early to go in for an appointment. And then my mom got worse and all the stress … I didn't stay pregnant for long, they said my body went into crisis mode from everything going on and I miscarried." I didn't just wear black to mourn my mother, I wore black to mourn our child that would never be. My vision blurs as tears start to well up in my eyes. "I know we were careful but these things happen sometimes. Condoms break without us knowing, the pill isn't always 100% effective." I feel weird explaining this to him. Sex leads to babies, it's a truth we knewback then and even with all the preventative measures we took, the two pink lines showed up on the stick.
He stays silent. I'm not sure whose pain is worse - his for not knowing for five years, or mine for being the only one to know for five years.
"I know it's a lot to process but please say something." My tone is begging, desperate.
"We had a baby. And you had to go through all of that on your own? Why didn't you tell me, I could have helped you. I would have done anything to help you." I can hear the anger in his tone but it's not 'burn the whole city to the ground' anger, it's the kind of anger that you feel when you're so sad it boils over.
"I felt like a failure. I didn't have my mom to talk to and losing the baby made me feel like I failed you, Colt. I couldn't face you without falling apart. I couldn't see your face knowing that there was a possibility our baby would have had your nose or your eyes. It was all too much and I shut down. I know now it wasn't fair to you but I was a kid, I didn't know what else to do."
"You should have told me. This is heavy shit for only you to have to carry." His hands are on me now, around my waist pulling me against him.
Pissed, that's what I expected him to be.
Pissed that I kept this from him all these years.
Pissed that I didn't give him the chance to mourn with me.
