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In the past, Lisa had made excuses for Ryan. Facing the truth about him was the most difficult thing she’d ever done. Regrets for what she’d done to protect him were an ongoing issue. She’d once planned on committing murder to keep the family intact. The hideous lopsidedness of their relationship made her sick. She’d never do that again.
The house was quiet. She longed for a glass of wine and a good book but would settle for the book with a cup of tea. Sitting on the couch, she reached for the remote and turned on the gas flame in the fireplace. Ten minutes later, while she was deep into the book, she felt a flutter within her body, like butterfly wings beating underneath her skin.
“Aw, little baby. Hello there. I must be a little farther along than I thought.”
In the past, she’d had a male counterpart there to feel the movement: Ed with Megan, Dan with Marcus, and Ryan with Madelyn and Sierra. With this baby, she was on her own. Surprisingly, it felt right doing it solo. Zach was pushing to get married to share the experience, but she was going to do things her way this time, and marriage was out of the question.
The need to connect spiritually led her to rise from the couch, conscious of her precious cargo, and retreat to the laundry room for contemplation with the Virgin Mary.
“I need to have a better place than this musty closet,” she said. “The kids have their playroom and more space in the attic now, so I’m taking over the sunroom.”
She spent the next hour making the space into her own place for reflection. Smiling and pleased with herself, she brushed off her hands, surveying the job. The items on display brought her comfort, and overlooking the vast expanse of the sea made it even better.
Small sacrifices in her relationship with Ryan that had gone unappreciated now took on new meaning. She’d take up the entire bedroom closet, where before, she’d given Ryan the best part of it to hang his vast wardrobe of business suits and designer shirts. The dresser was all hers now, instead of relegating her underwear and pajamas to a set of plastic drawers from Target. No. This was her bedroom, and she wasn’t sharing or compromising. She wasn’t giving up space for another man, at least not yet. It was ludicrous to listen to Zach talking about marriage. They weren’t in love.
“Mom, what are you doing?”
Lisa looked up at Megan, who had come out of her room. “Oh, yikes. Did I wake you?”
“No, I got up to get a drink of water and heard you rummaging around. This is nice,” she said, coming into the sunroom.
“I thought we’d use this space for meditation.”
“I want to learn to do that. We can do yoga in here, too.”
“We’ll start tomorrow. But morning on school days might be too early.”
“I’ll try morning,” Megan said. “It might help me at school.”
“Okay, tomorrow morning it is.”
“What will we do?”
“I’ll find an app on my phone,” Lisa said. “We can follow the directions.”
Megan kissed her mother’s cheek. “Night, Mom. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“And Mom?”
“Yes?”
“I like your Mary display. Who’s that?” Megan asked, pointing to a print of another saintly woman.
“Saint Agnes, the patron saint of young girls.”
Mother and daughter talked a bit about Mary and Saint Agnes.
“I have this medal of Saint Agnes, if you’d like it,” Lisa said.
“Yes. Can I wear it?”
“Of course.”
Lisa placed the silver chain around Megan’s slender neck, the medal hidden under her pajama top.
“I don’t know why things like this make us feel safe.”
