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“I’m not the…cheating type. And besides, Kat is our account manager. I don’t screw on the job. You know that.” It took a huge effort to change the direction of my words.
“Do I?” Changing back to English, Lew gave me one last searching look and walked away.
Shit.
I wouldn’t tell him, but I’d suspected for quite some time that there might be someone in Abbie’s life. The overtime, coming home to shower and change, and the fact that she didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.
Her aggression had always been an issue, but I’d gotten used to it, thankful for the thick fur on my body. I destroyed myself at the gym a couple of times a week, the sore, aching muscles keeping my focus on my body, instead of whatever was going on inside me.
No, I wasn’t the one cheating in our relationship, but I couldn’t deny that Kat’s infectious smile was like a breath of spring air after being locked inside all winter.
***
Entrusting Neda and Declan to handle the wrap-up, I made my way straight home after the shoot. Lew and Callum had left–together–about half an hour before. The no-fucking-on-the-job rule didn’t extend to him, nor our makeup artist, but I couldn’t say I was delighted.
It usually over complicated things, and it wouldn’t be the first time that Lewis left behind scorched earth and burnt bridges.
Thinking back to our teenage years as I steered my car through the rush-hour traffic, I remembered a guy he’d been seeing. We’d been friendly but after Lew was finished with him, he never so much as acknowledged my existence.
And there was Noah, of course, the younger of the Bright brothers, nearly two years my junior and a good friend of ours back when we were kids. I had no idea what happened between them, and I had never dared to ask, but somehow my big brother had managed to screw that friendship up as well. I was glad both Noah, Ollie and I were still on speaking terms.
Noah, who worked and lived in Bali, occasionally texted or emailed, but he never asked about my brother. I never had the impression that Lewis was a bully, but he’d made Noah’s life strangely difficult, as if the guy had done him a great personal wrong.
With a sigh, and wondering why relationships had to be so difficult, I pushed Lew’s love life aside and parked my car in my private spot in front of our house. If he decided to fuck my make-up artist, there was little I could do about it. If he screwed it up though, he’d get the roasting of a lifetime.
***
Lewis enquiring about the state of my relationship prompted me to try making more of an effort with Abbie. The problem was that our schedules had evolved in opposite directions, meaning that I hardly ever saw her over the next weeks. I usually left before she got up, and she returned from work, or wherever she went after that, when I’d gone to bed already.
For the first few days of my mission to salvage things between us, the realisation had stung.
Until one day at the gym I looked at my situation, something I hadn’t permitted myself in a long time. On closer inspection I’d realised that where my love for Abbie used to be, only a black hole of numbness and grief existed, waiting to swallow everything that was and could be good about my life.
I’d run until my body had been drenched in sweat, shorts and tank top clinging to me like a second skin. As if running from my problems had ever worked.
You should deal with this, Roy, my inner voice tried to reason with me. And it wasn’t that I’d never tried to end things, but every time, my resolve crumbled. As if Abs scented it, my conviction that I definitely needed to end things was usually followed by a couple of days of our relationship going back to what it had been in the beginning.
She made an effort, or rather got more receptive to the ones I constantly made, we slept with each other, and she actually liked it—or pretended to, anyway. We cuddled in bed and it wasn’t too warm or suffocating her. We went out for dinner or ordered takeout. It was nice. Until it wasn’t and she started lashing out at me again, verbally at first, then physically.
I was always on the edge, always high-strung, because I never knew what awaited me when we met after a day at work. It was a shitty way of living. I’d just turned thirty; there was no way I could keep it up for another five years, let alone longer.
Abbie wasn’t home when I got back from the warehouse on a Monday evening, but she had hinted she might be back a little earlier when we had talked for a bit on Sunday. My plan was to cook for her, have a nice evening, and show her that no matter how fucked up our situation was, I still cared for her.
After a quick visit to the shop down the street, I quickly changed into comfortable clothes, turned on some music, and started peeling and cutting veggies for Abbie’s favourite Bengali dish. I thought maybe cooking for her would put her into a good enough mood that it would end up being one of the better days. She’d be knackered as usual, irritated perhaps from handling her ‘asshole clients’ all day.
I’d see if she was up for a foot rub, or a massage. Contrary to Abbie’s belief, I loved spoiling her without expecting anything in return. ‘You only wanna get in my knickers’,she often sneered when I suggested giving her a massage, and it wasn’t that, not at all. I was just good at it. Like a lot about me, she had liked that special talent when we first started dating, but couldn’t seem to stand me touching her anymore.
Seven o’clock came and went. Tea was ready, then cool, then ice cold, and there was still no sign of Abbie. She hadn’t replied to my text asking her if she knew by what time she’d be home.
Slowly and meticulously, I cleaned the kitchen, heated a bowl of curry for myself, and eventually went to bed at eleven.
I must have slept for a couple of hours already when she finally entered the bedroom, not bothering to keep it down. Pretending I was still asleep, I turned my back on her. Maybe it was the wrong move but I didn’t think I could survive her making advances and then pushing me away.
It hurt, and there was nothing I could do to make it better. That knowledge hurt as well, and with that blinding ache driving into my heart like a large splinter, festering and poisoning me, I eventually fell back asleep.
Chapter Six
Roy
