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As we walk to the elevators, I have an overwhelming need to be near Maddison. It invades every sense I have and almost knocks me over.
Once again, my mind informs me I’m a fucking idiot.
Though I’m not entirely sure I want her to see me like this.
I feel so fucking conflicted and so far away from myself; it doesn’t even feel real. What use would I be anyway, moping around, not knowing what to do next.
Looking at Emmerson as we walk, I feel the need to clarify things. I also wanna know if she has heard from Maddison.
“I think I’ve fucked up with Mads,” I say quietly as we walk through the car park.
She looks at me. Clearly, she knows something but has been too polite to bring it up with the circumstances going on. “I spoke with Mads,” she says.
“Clearly, I wasn’t thinking straight. She’s a great person,” I tell her, like she needs to know. I’m sure she already knows. Still, I feel like it needs to be said. I didn’t go there just to have a good time and then leave, no matter what it may look like. I never wanted to be that guy.
“She thinks a lot of you,” she tells me. “Just don’t run away too soon, Ash. I know you have a lot on your mind. Maybe when the smoke clears, you’ll know what to do.”
No truer words were spoken. I still feel like an asshole. The way I left her standing there and didn’t look back. I won't be surprised if she never wants to speak to me again.
“You heading back out to Florida tomorrow?” I ask. Even though I know she is.
“Yeah, I have to tie up some loose ends,” she says. “Tay is here if you need anything. I can change my flight if you need me to?—”
“No need.” I shake my head. “There’s nothing anyone can do but wait.”
I feel like saying something more about Maddie or sending a message to her or something, but I say nothing more about it.
They drop me off close to midnight. All the way home, I’ve been thinking about dad and how the fuck we ended up here. I think it’s going to take some time for the shock to wear off.
I’m so fucking tired when I drag myself up to my condo.
I take a shower and leave my duffel bag in the hallway. Climbing into bed and turning on the TV. It’s for a distraction more than anything.
I know I have to try to make things right with Maddie.
I can’t push her out forever. As much as I think I should try, because my life seems so fucking complicated right now, I just don’t know if it’s possible.
She’s worked her way into my veins, and I feel like I’m having withdrawal symptoms. I didn’t know it was going to feel like this. I didn’t know I was going to miss her so much until she wasn’t there. We only spent two days together, but it was enough time for me to see the kind of person she is—the kind of person I want to be around.
The distance thing has been weighing heavily on my parade. We are both busy with our careers, so I don’t know what would even happen if we had given things a shot. I could only do the long-distance for so long.
Maddison is the kind of woman you don’t want to be away from.
Even laying here alone now feels unnatural. When I could have her warm body beside me. To have her arms wrapped around me now would be such a comfort.
But I brought it on myself, so I only have myself to blame.
I eventually fall into something resembling sleep but wake up with the TV still on and the remote in my hand.
I feel pretty groggy and bedraggled. It hits me the second my eyes open to the enormity of what I’m facing with dad’s situation. I scan through my brain, trying to work out if what happened yesterday was real and not just some nightmare.
Yeah, I’m used to having those, and they’ve never been anything like this.
This time, it’s happening, and he could die. It’s a very real possibility.
Then what? Even if he came out of this, would it make him realize anything at all? It’s not something I ever imagined he was capable of.
Maybe a near-death experience would be enough for him to have a real relationship with me. Could I even be that forgiving, given what he’s put us all through our entire lives? I have so many questions but zero answers.
