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And then there’s the guilt that goes with it; thinking thoughts about him like this makes me feel like an even bigger asshole.
I just don’t think anyone understands what it’s been like. The scars don’t just remain; they are perfectly etched into my soul, constantly reminding me of what I can never have with him.
It’s a bitter irony that I may never get the chance again to talk to him about it.
I swallow back the tears that form. It just isn’t fair. But I have to face it head-on.
My dad may never come out of this, and I may never get to see him again.
CHAPTER 22
Maddison
Ashton’s complete three-sixty at the airport completely caught me off guard. His sudden change in demeanor shocked me out of my mind. And I can’t say it didn’t hurt watching him walk away from me without even looking back.
I stood there until he got inside the terminal with my feet rooted to the spot.
When all was said and done, I felt stupid for thinking that I could be anything important to him. Though he made me feel like a million dollars the whole time we were together. I know the shock of it all can’t have been easy for him, but why didn’t he want me there? It made me feel like I wasn’t important enough.
Of course, I talked to Emmerson later, and she was very sympathetic. I didn’t want to bag Ashton out after the news he’d just received, but I needed to tell her what happened.
It felt like someone had thrown cold water over my head.
Even though Ashton was going through a crisis, I really wanted to be there for him, but he never even gave me the chance.
When I got home that night, I had a bath and crawled straight into bed.
I even sent him a message to make sure he landed and if he was okay, but I heard nothing back all night, and that made me feel even worse.
I keep telling myself that this isn’t about my feelings right now. I push that aside.
I’m so worried about him.
Em sent me a message during the night, but I didn’t see it until morning. They were up until midnight when they dropped Ashton home.
His dad is in terrible shape. I can’t even imagine what Ash is going through right now. It prompts me to send my dad a message and try to catch up with him soon, something I’ve been meaning to do for ages.
If something were ever to happen to my dad and I never got to say what I needed to, I would never forgive myself. Things with him have been nowhere as bad as the things Ashton has faced. It makes me feel guilty that I’ve closed the book a little on him since the divorce. It was hard seeing my mom so hurt by it.
I’m glad Em decided she’s still flying back to Florida today as planned, because I really need to talk to my best friend.
I don’t even know what to say to Wren and Elle right now. They both sent me worried messages later that night, but I just need to talk to Em and bat things out a little.
I don’t know where I stand now with Ashton. It isn’t like we declared our undying love for each other after two days, but they were pretty magnificent days spent with him.
He expressed I loveyou, but maybe he meant more like I loveyawhen we were caught up in the moment. I don’t think he meant it the way my heart wants to believe.
To have it all abruptly come to a halt so fast did not feel good.
I message Em as soon as I wake up the next day. I let her know I’ll pick her up tonight when she lands. Then we can grabsome dinner and catch up. I’m also interested in seeing how everything is going now that she and Taylor are back together.
I know we are going to mention Ashton in the conversation, and I can't avoid it.
It wasn’t until later that morning that I finally got a reply from him.
I’ve got a last-minute showing at the Overton’s house, and the buyers seem very keen.
I said little to Tess about my sudden change of plans to stay behind after arranging time off, just that we’d had to rearrange a few things. I didn’t want to go into it when I didn’t even know what was happening or why I wasn’t currently in Seattle. My habit of ‘carrying on regardless’ kicks in like it usually does.
